It’s difficult enough describing true love, but what about fake love?
No one wants to think they’re in a fake relationship, but some people can be pretty devious. If you suspect there’s something not quite right in your relationship but you can’t put your finger on it, it could be a sign of fake love.
“Spend your time with those who love you unconditionally, not with those who only love you under certain conditions.” – Suzy Kassem
So what exactly are we talking about when we describe fake love?
Well, here are 10 signs of fake love you should be looking out for:
1. Change in Personality
We all grow and mature as we get older. That’s a fact of life. But if you find your personality changing for the worse then it could be a sign of fake love. When I was in a controlling relationship my friends used to say that I’d ‘lost my fun and sparkle’. I couldn’t see it at the time. It was only later when I looked back at the start of the relationship.
At the start, I had been an extremely strong and independent woman. Towards the end, I wouldn’t even look up from the pavement when we were out shopping together in case my partner thought I was eyeing up other men.
2. Coercive Control
No one needs to control another person. If a person has to control their partner it is a sign they are fragile and jealous themselves.
There are countless ways a partner can control you. For example, they can use sulking as a method, they can argue or withhold communication. Some will insist on handling the finances or making all the decisions in the house.
Others will always choose where to go on holidays or where to eat out. If you feel you have no control over any part of your life with your partner, it could be a sign of fake love.
When a relationship is based on true love, it is kind and compassionate. On the other hand, when it is fake it is cruel and doesn’t care how much it hurts the other person.
I remember my ex telling me, in front of his children, how ‘****ing ugly I was’. I remember when he said it that there was no other person on the planet he would be so cruel to. And he was supposed to love me. It didn’t make sense. True love is supposed to be uplifting and gentle and caring. Not like this devastatingly bitter and vindictive stab in the heart.
4. Doesn’t trust you
True love trusts implicitly and without question. It is able to think that your partner can be anywhere in the world, surrounded by anyone and you feel fine about it.
This is exactly how I felt about my last partner. I knew deep down that I trusted him implicitly. It wouldn’t matter who he ran into. I would always be in his heart and he would never betray me.
And he felt exactly the same way about me. It was such a refreshing change after my ex. By contrast, he always thought I was off having affairs with every bloke I came into contact with.
5. Doesn’t understand you
When someone truly gets you it can be magical. I remember my last boyfriend reading me some poetry (yeah I know, pretty pretentious!) But there was one line we both picked out. The metaphors the poet used were brilliant and my bloke knew I would appreciate them.
We laughed at the same jokes, we were raised in the same area and had a similar background growing up. As we were a similar age it turned out that we loved the same music and watched the same TV shows. Most importantly for me was that we voted the same way.
True love feels like two jigsaw pieces finally coming together. When you have opposite views or your partner doesn’t get you, it’s like fitting that proverbial round peg into a square hole.
6. Lack of Patience
Fake love will never be patient with you. In fact, the opposite is true. Fake love gets impatient and short-tempered. It doesn’t want to understand if you’ve got issues or problems. It can’t be bothered to wait or help you.
Instead, it gets angry and dismissive. Moreover, it’s cruel and snappy. It’s judgemental because it doesn’t love you enough to be patient. True love will always wait for you and be there to help.
True love wants you to be your best self. If there’s a problem they will give you as much time as you need and as much help as you require.
7. Little Respect
The real test of true love and fake love is respect. Fake love cannot respect its partner. And if you cannot respect someone you’ll never be able to love them. It’s a bit of a catch 22 situation. How can you expect love where respect is lacking?
If you’re ever in doubt, consider how you feel when you are in company with other people and your partner. Do they make you feel positive and intelligent? Do they shower you with compliments and back up your opinions? Have they supported your past decisions and always consider you when they make decisions of their own?
If the answer is a resounding no then you should ask yourself why you’re still with this person.
8. Makes you feel unattractive
True love brings out the best in a partner. It allows them to blossom and grow, to be the best person they can be. Likewise, it provides a stable foundation and encouragement for this to happen. Part of this includes appreciation.
True love makes you feel sexy and adored, it takes every opportunity to compliment you. Fake love wants to bring you down. It will make you feel ugly and worthless. It will chip away at your personality little by little until you think you deserve nothing.
9. No Communication
The key to any successful relationship is communication. I remember my ex wouldn’t speak to me for several days after I’d been to a college lesson. At the time, I was studying for a degree in Psychology.
I would have a lesson every Monday and on Sunday he would start sulking and his bad mood would end on a Wednesday. He would tell me it wasn’t because of me, it was all the other males in the class he was bothered about.
He would also time how long it would take for me to get home from the lessons. If I was late there would be an interrogation. If I ever tried to talk to him about it there was no point. It was my fault because I was such a flirt.
The thing is, it doesn’t matter how bad the relationship gets, if you can still talk to each other there’s hope you can fix it.
10. The relationship becomes a habit
Sometimes, it can seem like even a bad relationship is better than no relationship. This is especially true if you’ve been together for a long time. You get into a routine, your life becomes a habit.
You share a house, you might have children, pets, a mortgage, and the same friends. A bad relationship can feel like a comfortable old pair of slippers or a warm blanket. Suddenly, being alone means taking off that warm blanket and facing a very different world. And that world can be scary because we don’t know what’s going to happen.
But the one thing we do know is we won’t be trapped in a fake love relationship. We’ll be free to find a love that respects and understands us. A love that supports and trusts us. And fake love can never do that.
By Janey D.