From the fights and disagreements to the silent treatment, have you asked yourself one important question, “Is my marriage over?”
I’m no marriage counselor, but I’ve been divorced before – make that twice. The thing about my first marriage is that I knew it was dead years before I asked for a divorce. No matter how many times I tried to make it work, something kept coming between my ex-husband and me.
I should have seen the red flags because they were everywhere. And this is how I know when it’s time to get a divorce.
Is my marriage over?
Have you secretly, when all alone, asked yourself this question? If so, it’s time to analyze a few things about your relationship, wouldn’t you think? It is, and I hate to be the one to tell you this. It may have been a fairytale beginning, but if there are more bad times than good, it’s time to sit down and think it over.
Here are some ways to help you figure out whether your marriage is over or not:
1. Kids or no kids?
I’m going to start somewhere I’ve never started before. I’m going to ask you a simple question. “Do you both want children out of the relationship?” Now, if one of you is dead-set against having children and the other one is the opposite, this is a huge sign that you might want to reconsider your union.
Could the marriage be over? Well, possibly. But one thing is for certain, this topic is something you need to be crystal clear about. People sometimes never change their minds, so if you’re not on the same page about kids, then it could be over.
2. Excuses to be alone
Is your marriage over? This is what you ask, and yet, you rather be alone. If you find yourself preferring to be alone more than spend time with your partner, this is a bad sign. Everyone needs a bit of time to themselves, but not all the time.
You will know there’s a great possibility you shouldn’t be married if every time your wife says she has to work longer hours, you get excited instead of bummed. It’s also obvious if you stay up when they’re sleeping and sleep when they are awake… on purpose.
3. There is no compromise
In a marriage, there are some things that you must stay firm about, especially morals and standards. But if you can never compromise on anything, then you could be headed for a break-up. It’s important, as a healthy couple, to learn to meet in the middle about some things, especially important issues.
Think on this aspect for a while and ask yourself if you’re willing to compromise with things your partner wants or needs.
4. Playing the blame game
When two people in a marriage start blaming each other all the time, they could be headed for trouble. Yes, sometimes, during altercations one person may blame the other. But if this becomes a lifestyle for a couple, then the marriage could be in serious peril.
Yes, a marriage can end due to the blame game. If this is happening, beware.
5. Starting arguments
Are you purposefully starting arguments over the smallest differences? If so, there could be a deeper reason for this confrontation. Maybe this small thing shouldn’t bother you, but it does. It’s possible that deep down inside, you want to get a divorce, but the problem is, you don’t want to be the one to ask.
So, you are irritated all the time, looking for an out. Of course, this is a huge red flag that the relationship may already be over. At least it seems that way for you.
6. Bitterness and contempt
If you’re always saying “whatever” or “do whatever you want”, you’ve developed bitterness towards your spouse. This sort of behavior comes from an emotion born from hurt and anger that’s grown over time.
You didn’t just become hateful toward your husband overnight. It took months or even years to develop bitterness or seething contempt for your partner. It may certainly be a sign that the marriage is over.
7. You’re keeping secrets
“Is my marriage over?”, you ask yourself. This is because you’re now keeping secrets from one another. You found out your wife is texting a male coworker behind your back, or you discover she’s started smoking again and hiding the evidence.
Well, unfortunately, if secrets are starting, the marriage may be ending. You may have developed a few secrets of your own, and you feel ashamed about that too. Looks like there’s no longer any communication.
8. Name-calling and insults
Your marriage could be nearing the end of the road if you’re hurling insults and name-calling. You don’t even have to be fighting. What’s worse, if you aren’t arguing at all, but yet passive-aggressively insulting each other, this is really bad news. This goes back to contempt, and how it’s become verbalized and toxic. This is a pretty big sign.
9. There’s no intimacy
When you’re no longer intimate with your partner, looks like you have a roommate instead of a spouse. Some people go days without having sexual relations and that’s not so bad. But when it turns into months or years, this could spell serious emotional damage.
Intimacy is a big part of the marriage, as it causes partners to grow closer. Without it, spouses continually grow further apart.
10. Therapy doesn’t work
When a couple struggles with problems in their marriage, they sometimes seek therapy. A third party can see issues that both partners may overlook. However, if you’ve been going to therapy for quite some time and nothing has changed, it might be time to call it quits. Only you know when enough is enough.
Will it last?
Marriage is sacred, but not always forever like we want it to be. If you crave to know whether your marriage is over, only you and your partner can be the judge of that. If you wish to persevere through all these things I’ve listed above, there’s always a chance to turn it around, although slim. I am rooting for you, however.
If you see that it’s too late, then I also support that decision as well. After all, it’s better to be happy alone than miserable with someone else. So, it’s time to do some serious contemplating about your life and future. I wish the best for you.