Nothing gets as heated as relationship arguments. Romantic couples need to find ways to disagree without creating division.

I’ve been in my fair share of relationship arguments, and most of the time they resorted to negative words that fueled anger on both sides.

Yes, it’s gotten pretty ruthless at times between my intimate partner and me. I’m not alone either. Most people find this type of warfare to be normal.

I’m not defending this sort of behavior. Honestly, it’s pretty childish. But, so many times, relationship arguments are cruel and downright dirty, and guess what? They get their point across.

Kevin VanDerSwet Stafford, Executive Director of Ontario Association of Marriage and Family Therapy said,

“It’s rare to have a couple that doesn’t disagree at some point. I think it can be healthy for couples to disagree.”

Fighting fair

Unfortunately, it’s not healthy to have “dirty fights”. Couples need to find ways to argue in a productive manner, and yes, this can be done. There are several ways to have relationship arguments that do not result in division. Here are a few examples.

Timing is important

It’s never a good idea to start a heated discussion when either of you is about to go to work. When there is not enough time to explore the topic effectively, is a bad time to start a discussion. Wait until both of you have plenty of time to have a fair shot at utilizing points.

Being fair is being a healthy member of the relationship. Not having enough time creates unfair circumstances and breeds anger.

Stay focused

If you’re in an argument with your partner, try to only discuss one topic at a time. Dragging up old situations or adding multiple complaints will only make each person angry and resentful. Staying on topic will help you compromise with each other and find a solution to the problem at hand.

Walk away if you have to

Before you resort to name calling, take a walk. No, walking away from conflict doesn’t solve anything, but calling each other names doesn’t either, in fact, it’s worse. If you take some time alone, you can return to the topic with a fresh outlook. This might provide a way to compromise and make everyone happy.

Be an adult

Do not throw tantrums when having relationship arguments. This will not solve anything and can cause even more problems. In fact, fighting like a child will show your immaturity level and that you cannot be competent enough to solve adult problems. This is a hopeless situation.

Have an open mind

I understand that everyone has morals and boundaries, but never be closed minded to your partner’s opinions. When an argument starts, try your best to listen to your partner’s concerns and why they feel the way they do.

Even if you disagree, just listening provides you with another person’s perspective in order to frame what you will say next. This is especially helpful when reaching a compromise.

No name calling

Name calling is a form of verbal abuse. Not only can it be irritating and hurtful, but it can also do damage to your partner’s self-esteem. Most important of all, for the time being, is how ineffective name calling can be at ending an argument.

You might feel like a winner by calling your spouse “stupid” or “dumb”, but you are the one who is revealing just how cruel and wrong you really are. In the end, you will lose out.

No arguing in the bedroom

Never argue in the room in which you sleep. Confrontations cause negative energies to flow freely, and this negative energy will not let you rest.

Try to talk about important disagreements in other rooms and save the bedroom for the sanctuary. Only love and comfort should dwell in the bedroom, remember this.

Plan ahead

Yes, this is going to sound strange, but it really works. If you lay out an outline of how you will deal with disagreements, it will make things easier when they happen. An outline provides you with basic rules and makes sure you do stay on topic.

This outline should also include an agreement to never take shots at each other. If you can abide by this mental blueprint of how a healthy argument should go, you will have a little problem recovering from the conflict.

Remember, your partner is not your enemy

Always keep in mind that your spouse is your best friend, or they should be. If you can remember that whatever you are talking about is for the good of each other, you are already winning, together.

Your partner is not your enemy, so try not to treat them as so by using harsh words and beating them over the head with past indiscretions.

Fighting is healthy, but we should always try to fight fairly and give each other the benefit of the doubt. I hope your next relationship argument is healthy and productive, leading you in the right direction and strengthening your bond.

Watch this amazing animation about relationship arguments by Steve Cutts:


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