For many of us, ladies, when it comes to our husbands, we really need to learn how to stop being controlling. We have an unconscious tinkle in our heads that says, I’m better than him, I’ll help him improve or become better.
Sometimes, we just feel competent to teach our husbands how to talk to the children, the way to vacuum the carpet and negotiate with their colleagues. Meanwhile, we tell ourselves that we are only helping when actually we are injuring our partner’s self-esteem.
Many people believe that if they could make their partner more orderly, more considerate, and more romantic then everything would be okay. Individuals with these controlling habits are always trying to prove they have the best idea and know better.
All that control leads to the same lonesome setting: wondered why in the world your partner is aloof, distant as well as defensive.
It was only when one learns to identify with their controlling behavior and make a new choice, which helps to return romance in the relationship.
The most common signs of unhealthy control in relationships
The most common control behaviors are divided into two main types of controlled people: the open controller and the controller co-dependent.
a. Open Controller
Open controllers tend to be on the bossy side. You are direct and possibly dominant. Here are some common tactics used by the open controller:
- You talk frequently and extensively about what should be done and want to dictate everything. You assume that you know better. So, you are not open to a shared vision or maybe plan. You prefer to decide from one moment to the next what is best and when and give a direction based only on your state of mind.
- You hijack the conversation. This involves asking rhetorical questions to say something, change the subject, constantly correct them and decide what to talk about. Rejecting or perhaps redefining your partner’s concerns is especially damaging. When you speak, you distract others by blaming them for something else and defending yourself. But the original point is never addressed.
- Excessive speech. You do not allow answers and get many points in a row. As a result, your partner can not process their own thoughts and feels like a hostage.
- You pretend not to understand. Instead of simply contradicting yourself, they will often say that they simply don’t understand. This is a refusal to take responsibility, causing confusion and making the other person’s point difficult to understand. If you learn to stop being that controlling with your partner, you will be delivered from this characteristic.
- Toxic Delegation. This means asking your partner to do something for you, and unless they do it exactly as you would, you criticize them.
b. The Co-Dependent Controller Types
In addition to the open control of behavior, there are many others that are more difficult to detect. These are executed by the co-dependent controller. It is crucial to stop these controlling behaviors in order to have a happy relationship again.
This is the kind of person that needs other people to behave or feel good in a certain way. If you are a dependent controller, you can be a nice and careful guy. In this way, control is achieved in the following ways:
- The Martyrdom style. This case is when you truly do so much for your partner that you give your partner a sense of indebtedness. This is to show your partner they will never be as good or perhaps as generous as you.
- Reactivity. This is when you react to every thought and feeling of your partner. If you say something that they disagree with, they put themselves on the defensive. You have a stake in what you think, so try convincing them from your point of view.
- The expectations to read the mind. You are so good at reading and satisfying your partner’s needs, and you expect them to do the same. As a result, you can behave unhappily until you get what you want, acting like a spoilt child. You get what you want without having to ask because the partner has been subconsciously conditioned.
- Laziness. You insist that your partner does things that you could do yourself. You need your partner to create the life you want or the qualities you want. Thus, you focus on mobilizing them for your goals rather than doing it yourself.
How to Stop Being Controlling with These 4 Strategies
If you see these behaviors within you, don’t punish yourself. It’s a learned behavior, and you’ve probably done what has worked in the past as a survival skill.
If you want to develop and strengthen, there are ways to solve these bad habits! If you do these four things every day, you will surely give up control of others, but you will gain power for yourself.
The points below will help you stop your controlling behaviors:
- Identify your triggers. When do you most likely participate in these behaviors? Do you feel threatened? What happens before you have the situation under control?
- Examine your fears and desires. Turn inward and not outward, the next time you sense this behavior, ask yourself, what am I afraid of right now? And what do I need? You may just seek attention or recognition. Honestly ask yourself what it is that you need.
- Get out of your own mindset. There is a bigger picture. Look at things from the place of us (you and your partner), not just in terms of what you want.
- You want to trust yourself. You can ask and let go. It has more capacity for strength, recovery, depth as well as flexibility. Find out what actually happens if you don’t control things. Are things falling apart? It might be you are right now not in the correct relationship. Trust the process to gather information.
To actually stop being controlling, a leap in faith and a profound change in our old ways of relating are required. But you can do it!
Remember, if you stop taking control and dislike what you find, then be glad that you have allowed things to take the form that they really are.
Share with us your thoughts and experiences.