Resentment in marriage is a dangerous and toxic thing, dealing with it is the only way to get past it.
Resentment lies quietly under the radar but rears its ugly head when you least expect it. It can slowly erode your relationship from the inside out. But, resentment in marriage is not a death sentence.
There are ways of dealing with it that can save your relationship and cure the problem. To deal with resentment, it’s important to know why it is so dangerous and ways in which you can deal with it.
Ways resentment in marriage can be dangerous
Small problems feel bigger
Something which may have just been a small annoyance will suddenly become the end of the world. Maybe you get irritated when your partner talks over the TV or doesn’t put their socks in the hamper.
To most people, this is only a small annoyance, but when you are beginning to resent your partner, anything can light the fuse of an argument.
Arguments become quicker to start
When you resent your partner, you may be quick to pick fights rather than them happening organically. You might pick on small annoyances or purposefully be adversarial.
It’s a way of getting out your frustration towards your partner but it can very quickly deteriorate a previously healthy relationship.
Arguments escalate quickly
Not only will arguments be quick to start but they will also be quick to escalate. When you resent your partner, it’s easy to bring up old arguments and be unwilling to let go of the problem at hand. No matter how small it is, when we are angry about something else, it will fuel anger even when it’s unrelated.
We become unforgiving
Even though your partner may apologize, resentment stands in the way of forgiveness. You may hold onto your anger and use it in the future. Holding onto anger creates an unnecessary burden on you which you will feel your partner is responsible for. It will slowly erode your relationship from the inside out.
Passion will die
Resentment will very quickly put out the spark your relationship once had. You won’t feel close to your partner and you won’t want to feel close to your partner. Intimacy will ebb away, and affection will become non-existent.
This is the most dangerous consequence of resentment in marriage because it changes the entire dynamic of a romantic relationship.
How to let go of resentment
Find the problem
The first step to letting go of resentment in marriage is to figure out what the problem actually is. It might be that your partner was unfaithful, or that you feel otherwise betrayed. It is easy to forget the real problem when resentment has set in, so the first step of letting go is finding the source.
This may take time, or it may be glaringly obvious. No matter how long it takes, finding the cause of the problem is the only way to solve it.
Talk about it
No problem in a marriage can be solved without proper communication. The best way to let go of resentment in marriage is to face it head-on. Instead of avoiding the problem, it is important to be open and honest about where the resentment lies.
By opening communication, you can begin to rebuild trust and respect for one another. When your partner listens and respects your feelings, you may find yourself coming around to the idea of forgiveness.
Don’t expect too much of your partner
You need to have realistic expectations when addressing resentment in the marriage. Don’t expect your partner to read your mind, you have to let them know how you feel. You also can’t expect them to give you everything you want.
No man is a superhero and the most important thing to remember is that you have to be able to forgive the small things. Let them know the things you really need and be understanding when they can’t meet all of your expectations. What’s important is that they are trying to overcome the problem.
When there is resentment in marriage, a rift can form between you and your partner. By dating, you can reconnect and begin to close the gap between you. Spending time together will remind you of why you fell for your partner in the first place.
It will make you feel valued and appreciated when your partner does little things for you. Enjoying each other’s company will allow you to start to forget the reasons you resent your partner. Sometimes, when facing resentment in marriage, it can be helpful to simply forget about the problem for a little while.
Slowly but surely, the resentment will turn to a distant memory.
“Therapy” is not a bad word
If you feel as though you’ve tried everything and you have really put in all the effort you can, it may be time to think about therapy. There is absolutely no shame in seeking help. If both partners are willing to put the work in but can’t achieve the results on your own, a third party can be incredibly helpful.
Trained professionals know how to look for the problem and develop a plan to solve it. They can help you figure out what you want and need from the relationship to truly get over the resentment.
Resentment is a dangerous thing, but it does not have to end a relationship. If both partners are willing to do the work, resentment can easily be healed and your marriage will be all the stronger for it.
By Francesca F.