Before getting into a relationship, you should know a few things, especially facts about emotionally unavailable men.

I’ve been in several relationships, some of which were okay, but some of which were nightmares. I won’t place all the blame on the other person because that wouldn’t be fair. I will say, however, that a couple of the men I’ve been with were emotionally unavailable. I tried to compromise, tried to explain my faults, and even communicate about the problems, but no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t connect with them on a healthy level.

What does emotionally unavailable mean?

Being emotionally unavailable is basically having little to no connection with how you or someone you love really feels. When you’re not available, you try to put out the vibe that you’re independent, and you usually, in some cases, steer away from commitment as long as possible. Of course, there are so many other factors too.

To better understand the definition of being emotionally unavailable, there are a few things that these people do.

If you’re emotionally unavailable, you may do these things:

1. Being too critical

When you cannot connect well with emotions, you may be way too critical of small things that others do. You might base a breakup over the way someone laughs, their family, or the way they make small mistakes.

Instead of giving someone a chance, because we’re all a bit flawed, you make critique every time something doesn’t fit the mold you make for your life. When you’re unavailable you will look for things that are flawed. It’s just the way your mind works.

2. Cannot take the blame

Men who are emotionally unavailable tend to pass the blame every time something happens. Even in instances where it is obviously their fault, they refuse to take the blame for what they’ve done.

They just cannot see their own limits and faults, and one reason is that they wouldn’t be able to handle seeing these faults anyway. It would completely destroy who they think they are. If they made a mistake, then they are not as perfect as they want the world to believe.

3. Self-centered behavior

Men with no emotional availability will usually be self-centered. Yes, they will be selfish and devote themselves to the plans they’ve made despite anyone else’s ideas.

They don’t like to compromise because this would take some piece of their plan away and it would not fit into their agenda. Healthy people compromise in relationships, but those who are emotionally unavailable will avoid approaching this subject at all costs.

4. Seek intimacy way too soon

While intimacy is important in any relationship, men who aren’t in touch with their emotions will seek sex quickly, and in the very beginning. This is because they know that intimacy can cover any emotional connection they cannot provide.

They try to provide the best of this intimacy as well to keep their new partner coming back to them. Fortunately, it doesn’t really take long to notice the lack of substance after the initial dating period.



5. Ex partners are always to blame

Remember how I said that emotionally unavailable men never took the blame. Well, this is also true when they talk about former relationships.

When your boyfriend says that their ex was responsible for everything, that’s a huge red flag. They will talk about being a victim, and it will be convincing too. They are pretty good at using facial expressions to make themselves look innocent as well.

6. Arrogance

Emotionally unavailable men are usually arrogant as well. They brag, show off things they have, and act cocky. This is not an indicator of inflated self-esteem. It means they have a low-self-esteem and try hard to hide this with fake confidence. Real confidence can handle intimacy, so the arrogance shows the truth of this disconnect.

7. Cannot respect your feelings and cannot communicate

Someone who isn’t in touch with their own emotions certainly cannot respect yours. If something is wrong and you wish to talk about it, they brush it off like it’s nothing. Maybe it’s nothing to them, but it’s everything to you.

This is where healthy couples invest in communication. They talk through what’s wrong, and they respect each other’s feelings. When you’re not available for your own emotions, you won’t be able to understand how to respect or communicate.

Can you change any of these things?

So, is there hope in a relationship with a man like this? Honestly, you usually cannot change an emotionally unavailable man unless he wants to change. You can try, you may even feel like you’re being his hero for helping him, but you should stop. No one needs a project, and everyone deserves someone that will respect, honor and treat them right.



If you do find someone who wants to improve their life, then the choice is yours together. You can help them, or you can get out of the situation, in a nice way of course. So, if you recognize these symptoms, then it’s time to do some thinking about your next move.

And I will leave that up to you.

Sherrie Hurd, A.A.

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This Post Has 2 Comments

  1. Avatar
    Gina

    What is the difference between this and having a NPD? Every point seems to run in line with narcissists?

    1. Sherrie Hurd, AA
      Sherrie Hurd, AA

      Well, Gina,

      There is a spectrum of narcissism, first of all. Every single one of us falls along that line in one place or the other. One end is someone with extremely low self-worth, while the other end pertains to highly egotistical traits. So, the narcissistic disorder can exist on both extremes. Men who are emotionally unavailable could, in fact, have a bit of narcissistic disorder, but some could simply be mix-matched with their mate. If a man doesn’t really love a woman but is trying to cultivate love, he will act narcissistically. That’s because he doesn’t know who he is or what he wants yet, so he assumes he is acting in accordance with what he should be doing. It can be complicated when differentiating between conditions and what’s really happening with a man or a woman in a relationship. These traits that I listed are a few things that emotionally unavailable men do. Now, whether they are narcissistic or not depends on a whole other set of traits that can be compared with these. Since conditions and personalities are so varied, this is why counseling and seeking professional help is so important. Each person must be personally evaluated before passing judgment solely based on a list. The list is there for you to realize that something is wrong and get you started on improving your life situation.

      Thank you for your feedback, Gina.

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