You’ve heard of narcissistic intimate relationships that cause all sorts of trouble, but what about that narcissistic friend?
There are numerous articles which talk about narcissistic intimate relationships – you can use the signs to discover if your husband or wife is actually a toxic person. But many people never even think about close friends as being narcissistic.
A narcissistic friend can also make your life less than savory, in fact, they can make things worse instead of better when you confide in them.
Are bullies considered narcissistic friends?
Outright bullies would never really be considered friends, so nix that part. But, sometimes friends can actually display bully behavior which is disguised because they are supposed to be “friends”. I hope that makes sense.
The thing is, some friends purposely sabotage things in order to retain control of the friendship or to gain attention. It can be quite complex really.
Revealing the narcissistic friend in your circle
Now, seeing as you know that a friend can definitely have these traits, the next step is to reveal them. A narcissistic friend will go to great lengths to keep their true character hidden because ultimately, they want to keep their friends. After all, a narcissist is empty without someone serving as a fan club for them.
Here are a few signs that will rip that mask right off the fake friend, and either help you move on or get the kind of help that your friend desperately needs for this personality disorder.
Keep in mind, it’s extremely hard to convince a narcissist that they need help, so be careful what you say and get ready to travel a long road if you decide to help them.
Overly friendly and giving…in the beginning
The narcissistic friend is always an angel, in the beginning, lavishing you with gifts and compliments. They will insist on paying for dinner, they will say that you are their best friend and they will seem like the model person. At first, this sort of friend will seem like the perfect companion.
It will take some time for these amazing traits to wear off, oh, but they will.
As the narcissist grows weary of doing good, the will start to reek of selfishness. Their level of negative behavior will almost mirror their level of positive behavior displayed before. Remember, when your narcissistic friend is spoiling you rotten, this is only temporary.
Unfortunately, your friend, if stricken with narcissistic tendencies, will live with a victim’s mentality. Nothing will ever be your friend’s fault and the world will be out to get them. At least this is what they love to portray to everyone around them. Sometimes, they truly believe this for themselves as well.
The flip side of this, however, is that everything WILL be your fault. This makes dealing with friends who swear by this mentality, to be difficult individuals to deal with. Getting through to them will take loads of patience.
They are always negative
This trait encompasses the victim mentality and also sets the stage for the remainder of the narcissistic friend’s personality. Everything, no matter how good and wholesome, will turn into something bad.
The narcissist will be unable to see the silver lining in any situation, on the contrary, they will notice even the most minute problems and then magnify them.
Negativity will come naturally to this personality type. To them, they will seem more of a realist instead, just saying things in an obvious manner.
The only difference between these guys and the realist is that at some point, the realist will have something positive to say – the narcissist will not….unless of course it’s something used to vault their own ego, and we are getting to that trait next.
An attention seeker
The narcissist friend will be a huge attention seeker. They will dominate all conversations and try to keep subjects focused on them – this includes their accomplishments, their looks, and even their great health.
No matter how “off-the-wall” the topic may be, the narcissist will find a way to steer the topic back to them or make it relate to something great they have done.
Face it, the spotlight is always and forever beaming down on the narcissist, and the rest of us don’t stand a chance…unless of course, we get away from them.
They do not respect boundaries
The narcissistic friend does not recognize boundaries. If show them your own personal boundaries, they may say “okay”, but then almost immediately they may cross those boundaries. When they do, and even if you get angry, they will make a joke about it.
This is because, although they firmly state what they don’t like or will not put up with, they will never hesitate to see your boundaries as a joke.
Cannot trust them
The thing is, the narcissistic friend will appear to be someone you can trust above all overs. This is part of the trick they play to get closer to you. The truth is, they will be the first person to break your trust, and when you confront them, they will deny this. They may even grow angry by your accusations.
If you choose to stay friends with a narcissist, you may want to choose which bits of information that you share with them. As long as you are telling them things that you want everyone else to know, you will be fine.
There is no give and take
In the narcissistic friendship, there will be no fair amount of giving and take. The narcissistic friend will always be willing to take from you, but they will fail at giving. You can still choose to give them gifts if you want, but don’t expect the favor to be returned.
Also, don’t expect them to go out of their way to help you either. It’s just not something they like to do because it really doesn’t benefit them.
Dealing with the toxic friend
It’s your choice to stay friends with this type of person or to choose to walk away. Whatever you decide to do, make sure you always retain your sense of self-value in order to keep from being damaged by this relationship. Since the narcissistic friend is prone to drain others, you will have to be a strong person.
This is possible!
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This Post Has 4 Comments
This article is so completely spot on and describes a past friend to a T. She gave me tons of little gifts in the beginning. However, she was domineering (voice/presence), controlled every conversation, couldn’t stand others getting the spotlight, made snarky comments about people continually, was consistently negative sandwiched between a booming laugh masked as happiness, bragged about her accomplishments, and gave the silent treatment (passive aggressive behavior) when I started showing boundaries.
It’s funny, being unaware of her narcissism in the beginning, I wondered why I almost always felt like a deflated balloon after hanging out with her. I never felt heard or that the friendship was reciprocal. I can’t count the number of times I came home and cried over this, wondering how to ‘fix’ it or say the ‘right’ thing in order to turn the mess around (can you say people pleaser?) When it finally clicked that she was a covert narcissist, I felt free to detach. I don’t message/text her and haven’t heard from her in 6 months. It’s really a relief, and I’m forging ahead with healthier friendships where love and conversations are reciprocal. Yay!
I have a long-time friend who I suspect is a N. We met 20 years ago in high school where we had a lot in common. I really didnt see any problems for the first few years with the exception that she would occasionally “disappear” off the face of the earth. I know she had problems with her husband and her 5 children, but it was out-of-character weird behavior. I would text or call her and rarely hear a reply. When she finally did resurface, she was walled-in a massive depressive state and needed people to cajole her out of it. At first I thought this was an occasional thing- after all, life gets overwhelming and we’ve all been depressed. But it eventually got old — I was tired of always coming to the recuse. I also noticed that although I always thought she was a good listener, I began to notice that the conversation always ended up talking about her and her issues. We would start out with my problems ( and I had a ton!) but would never end up resolving anything because the convo changed. I lost a lot of respect for her when she shared with me a scatching email that she had sent to her very good friend after the friend ” offended her”. I knew at that moment that something was really off. There are so many times that I text her and it takes days for her to get back–yet this is the same person who is ON their phone the entire time we are together!
Anyway, thank you for a very imformative article.
I had a narcissistic friend who was exactly like you describe when we first met when I started a new job. Unfortunately we started to socialise out of work and then when her flat mate moved out I made the terrible mistake of moving in and my life was made a nightmare from then on both at work as she and another colleague continually bullied me, and outside of work. I did on a couple of occasions confront her and decided to move out but she was surprisingly manipulative and apologised and changed her behaviour, for a while, then it would start all over again. She was extremely vain and to her a weekend was not successful unless she had slept with any man she had met that night. However she didn’t like me attracting men and would get angry if I went out with anyone. I did eventually move out but had to wait till the last week to tell her just so I didn’t have to put up with her playing the drama queen and constantly pecking my head. When I moved out she tried to isolate me at work by telling my friends there not to have anything to do with me but it didn’t work.
We remained friends, although there was a period where she didn’t talk to me, but she got over that.
It’s very true that nothing is ever their fault and they will blame you. There is so much more I could write about my experience of being ‘friends’ with a N but it would take too long. When I think of what I put up with I wish I had listened to my gut instinct and walked away from that job and situation. But I was a lot younger then and quite shy and not as confident as I am now. I was the kind of person a Narcissist is drawn to using as a friend.
My friend is a N . I got married and she was my only friend that didn’t come up to me at the wedding to congratulate me. We had our problems before she tried to drive a knife in between me and a great friend to change our plans to always accommodate her. Anything I put on social media she never replies likes nothing like she’s jealous. Our last conversation she said my husband is a controlling person and my family laughed over that one. When we meet we were both single then she got married so I understood I had to respect her and her husband when making plans with her now that I’m married and basically a newlywed.Just married over a year now she doesn’t understand it’s two of us here give me the same respect. She has also made remarks about my family being over weight that hurt me. And when we where friends it’s what she wants to do and I always went with it but a few times I would say let’s do this nope basically. And I talk care of the mentally challenged For a living well a group home was to move by her and she was freaking out and I said do you realothats what I do for a living. I recently blocked her from my phone