15 Signs That You Have Controlling Parents and How to Deal with Them

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Controlling Parents and How to Deal with Them

All parents want the best for their children. They want their young ones to turn out to be upstanding, knowledgeable adults who contribute to society.

Some parents, believing that their adult children are too inexperienced to make decisions, pull all stops to manage their lives.

They inadvertently become “monster parents”.  Many of them interfere with their children’s activities and relationships. Others become pushy and to an extent, narcissistic; they enforce unreasonable expectations on their kids.

If you have parents who step beyond their boundaries, you will need to push them back in gentle, inoffensive ways. Before you do, you will need to decide whether your parent is over controlling or simply being concerned.

Why parents become control freaks

Having controlling parents can wreck your nerves. You will find this especially true as an adult. Before you cut the apron strings, be aware of what causes their tendency to want to run your life. Telling them off may result in a big fight. Rather than engaging in a conflict, take some time to analyze their behavior. It will allow you to approach them with empathy, and make them less defensive.

A difficult childhood is often the reason for a person’s erratic ways. Controlling parents may have manipulative parents or siblings themselves; they grew up believing that controlling others is a given behavior.

Parents with manipulative tendencies may have experienced hurt in the past. They may hold their children on tight leashes because of their insecurities. Having been in submissive positions before, managing their children is a way for them to be dominant.

Of course, some parents are narcissists. They become manipulative to defend their egos. Such parents feel that others should attune to their expectations, and refuse to consider any alternatives. To them, compromise is a weakness.

16 Signs that You Have a Controlling Parent

You may want to raise the subject of over-control with your parents but do not want to offend them. You may also be unsure if they are just concerned. How do you know if they are overly controlling, or just protective?



1. Being perfectionists

Parents who are control freaks tend to want “everything in its proper place.” They create rigid structures for you and often issue ultimatums if you do not follow instructions to their specifications.

2. Always knowing what is best.

And then, your pushy parents always assume that they know what is best for you. They refuse to consider alternative courses of action and do not give you the freedom to make decisions.

3. Unreasonable Expectations.

Being perfectionists, your controlling parents may set unrealistic goals for you. Their demands, such as getting perfect scores, are unreasonable and may cause you to feel that you are incapable of doing anything. To make sure that you do things their way, they often offer constructive criticism. You may lack initiative, as you are too used to them making decisions for you.

4. Pushy parents want a say in their children’s relationships.

Your controlling parents may want a say in your relationships. They are always around when you invite your friends home and often eavesdrop on your conversations.

5. Controlling parents instill self-doubt.

As a means of getting you to do things their way, your manipulative parents may nitpick on everything you do. They may resort to fear mongering, or over-dramatizing the consequences of not following their actions.

6. Manipulative parents monopolize their child’s affection.

Your pushy parents may be selfish about your love. In an attempt to have you for themselves, they try to cut you off from your friends. They may even resort to force to get you to obey them. As time goes on, they may withdraw monetary support.



7. Manipulative parents communicate with people on their kid’s behalf.

Your pushy parents are probably micro managers. They will do tasks on your behalf, fearing that you will make mistakes. Their actions make you feel as though you cannot be responsible for yourself.

8. Controlling parents make decisions without input from their children.

If your parents are control freaks, they will make decisions without consulting you.  It tells others that you are incapable of making them on your own.

9. Controlling parents always contact their children.

Your parents will bombard your phone with calls if they are pushy. They will want to know about your circle of friends and every detail about your workplace. They will interfere if you mix with the “wrong people.” Your parents may even cross the line and inquire about your sexual relationships.

10. These parents fight their children’s battles.

You may find your controlling parents always fighting your battles for you. Fearing that you will get hurt, they may not allow you to solve your problems. They are unaware that they cripple your ability to socialize by getting too involved in your activities.

11. Controlling parents burden their children with unnecessary responsibilities.

In an attempt to monopolize your time, your parents may overload you with responsibilities. The weight may make you feel as though you cannot have a life of your own.

12. Pushy parents are always around.

Pushy parents fail to understand the concept of “three is a crowd.” They always need to be around and fail to notice when their presence is not wanted.

13. Pushy parents are too involved in their children’s activities.

They become too involved in your social life and often give the details to their friends. They fail to understand that they need to let you make mistakes to grow.

14. Controlling parents are passive-aggressive.

Pushy parents are often passive-aggressive. They will withhold affection or communication until you fall in their line. Their “silent judgment” is a form of control.

15. Pushy parents are impatient.

Controlling parents are anxious parents. They do not spare the time to listen to your explanations for your actions. To them, your methods are a waste of time; their ways are always the best.

Dealing with a controlling parent

Your parents may display a few, or worse, all the above signs. Do not be discouraged; tapping on a few coping mechanisms will make it easier to adjust to their controlling behavior.

First, empower yourself.  You may have parents who try to keep you in an Alcatraz-like, emotional prison, but you are responsible for your actions. Develop a plan to set boundaries and gain control of your life. Make the decision to stand up to them, and not get overly angry. Do not obsess over pleasing them; remember that you have your life to live.

You cannot change your parents; that is a fact you must accept. However, you can choose to distance yourself from them. Stand your ground, and do not get too defensive if they accuse you of neglecting them. You can say things like: “I am sorry that you are angry, I can understand why.” A little empathy will make them more malleable. Cut off financial ties, and refrain from asking for favors.

Remember that they are your parents, even if you disagree with their pushy ways. Resolve the past and let go of any misgivings for your sake, not theirs. Confront them with respect, and let them know how you feel. Set your boundaries and let them know, again respectfully, if they have crossed lines. Consider seeing a therapist if they still try too hard to manage your life.

You can steer the relationship with your over-controlling parents if you set limits with a little tact.

References:

By Michelle L.





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By | 2017-08-15T16:59:05+00:00 September 18th, 2016|Categories: Family & Parenting, Relationships & Social Life, Self-Improvement|Tags: , , , , |15 Comments

15 Comments

  1. A April 2, 2017 at 10:33 am - Reply

    My parents do every one f these except fighting my battles, I rarely have them with people other than them and if I do, I feel like they sit back with popcorn to watch while critiquing.

    • Panagiotis K. April 2, 2017 at 12:01 pm - Reply

      A lot of people feel like this, with their parents. But that doesn’t mean also we need to give up. 🙂

  2. Sarah Lee June 1, 2017 at 10:42 am - Reply

    I am going to be 40 this year and this completely describes my mom and dad. If I don’t do things their way, they aren’t happy with me. It is awful. I am with someone they approve of, otherwise I wouldn’t be “allowed” to live with anyone else together in one of their crappy rental properties. It is a selfish and sick twisted existence, and everyone in this situation feels like they are in prison. They manipulate to get me to live how they want. Forget everyone else, it is always about them. It just really sad. I struggle with depression. I feel like a prisoner in my own life. This has been literally going on for Years.

    • Michelle L June 1, 2017 at 11:15 am - Reply

      Hi Sarah,

      I’m sorry to hear this. One of the keys to maintaining a relationship with controlling parents is to maintain a respectful distance….while you value them, you should set firm boundaries.

    • CB June 3, 2017 at 10:50 am - Reply

      Sarah, it looks like you are doing this to your self. My suggestion… move out of their rental.
      Live your life away from them. Be kind and respectful to them but get out of there.
      Even if you have to get a side job to pay for a place not owned by them.

      • Panagiotis K. June 4, 2017 at 12:36 pm - Reply

        As CB stated, this is the first move you can do. I agree 100% ;). Move out from your parent’s house and try to build your own life.

    • Kimberlyn Shutzer August 12, 2017 at 4:39 pm - Reply

      I can’t emphasize more how I can relate to you. I think there should be a law that all kids after 16 should be separated from their parents, good or bad, I don’t care. I think parents are a waste of time and life and as we get older they get to be a nuisance and burden, especially control freak mothers.

  3. Andrea June 9, 2017 at 5:53 pm - Reply

    Im 45 and my mother still thinks she can tell me what to do? Shes never liked any of my exs. Not even my current partner. Whom she hates!
    Ive had to resort moving overseas permanetly. so that l can live a peaceful life.
    I dont even have children of my own, because of her. I dont want to bring kids up &_have them subjected to what l went through ‘growing up’.
    I was sexually molested when l was 12. I told her,(my parents) and they didnt believe me. They called me a lier.

    Ive accepted the fact shes the problem,and she will never change. Shes suffers depression but l think shes bi polar.
    Shes even influnced my brother, l dont have a close relationship with him either.
    So moving away is the best decision lve ever done.

    • Michelle L June 12, 2017 at 9:38 am - Reply

      Thanks for sharing, Andrea. It’s difficult indeed, and we manage in the best way we can. It takes unending patience.

    • Andria August 31, 2017 at 7:52 pm - Reply

      Hello Andrea,
      I read your post, and I thought your life is so similar to mine. I am also 45 years old and I have no spouse and children. Neither does my brother. When my brother showed a romantic interest towards someone, my mother would run interfere. She still continues to do this with both of us. I have only introduced her to one male in my life, who I was engaged to. I went through hell. She gossiped to the family about me. She told me that I shamed the family and God was mad at me. Her goal is for me to stay single and live with her to take care of her. When I make a decision that she doesn’t agree with, she stops taking her blood pressure medication and end up in the hospital. My family blames me. I am very depressed and have anxiety throughout my life.

  4. Krysten July 26, 2017 at 8:20 pm - Reply

    Hi, guys! My name is Krysten. If any of you are interested and happen to read this, I established a closed Facebook group called the Adult Children of Controlling Parents (ACCP), where more adults are undergoing the same situation. This is a support group where you can write about your own frustrations, read and respond to others’ posts, and offer advice to those in need. The link is provided below for those who are interested!

    • Michelle L July 30, 2017 at 7:16 pm - Reply

      Hi Kristen! I’d be interested in this group myself. I’ll be visiting shortly!

  5. Emily Rist July 31, 2017 at 7:00 am - Reply

    My grandmother is this and more, I lived with her for 2 years and ran away. My grandmother takes care of my disables brothers who are shut ins. The one that’s not autistic waits for her on hand and foot, as well as waiting for grandpa and guests, and never has hung out with friends, had electronics for more than a few hours and no connection to the outside world. Another thing is, abusive parents like her who manipulate their self-image to avoid child abuse social workers and instead put me in mental health care. The system has no way to get around her and that’s why I’ve determined myself to go into a good career and take them away from the hurt because our government would over look manipulation and make the matters worse.

  6. Connie September 2, 2017 at 10:26 pm - Reply

    I’m 34, and my parents match everything that’s on the checklist. I joined the navy just to get away from them; I told them the reason why I would run away but they won’t listen. Even after 13 years later, they still trying to ruin my life — they hate my husband because we are not the same race, causing my kids to hate each other because they favor the 1st born, talking shit to me because we are not as wealthy as they are… they blamed me of losing a ton of money in real estate investment because of the location of my college (fact is I got accepted in a different city but I was restricted to go… I was too young to refuse because they were going to cut off the money) Trying to “restrict” me to come back to my hometown for attending my best friend’s wedding because they don’t think friendship exists, (oh yeah so I ended up getting a hotel room myself, and flew in without telling them, since they always told me that they won’t let me come inside the house), calling me fat everyday since I’m not skinny like those Asian women in Asia, etc. There are so many more things that I could go on in that list.

    Anyways, I’m Chinese…. all those years I thought that’s just the Asian thing. Now I realize that those control freaks are everywhere. I’m just glad that my husband is always there to support me. I’m trying every effort to get rid off those unacceptable behaviors that I might passively pass that on my kids. By separating my kids from my parents, I intentionally teach them zero Chinese languages. (I spoke 5 languages, a government-graded interpreter) I know that I have wasted that talent, but I really have no choice.

    They have already ruined my life… I cannot have them ruined my kids. Period.

    • Michelle L September 8, 2017 at 4:59 am - Reply

      I am sorry to hear this, Connie and I fully understand. Controlling parents try to mold their kids to fit their ideals, and as we know, it never works. I’m glad that your husband’s there for you.

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15 Signs That You Have Controlling Parents and How to Deal with Them

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