All parents want the best for their children. They want their young ones to turn out to be upstanding, knowledgeable adults who contribute to society.

Some parents, believing that their adult children are too inexperienced to make decisions, pull all stops to manage their lives.

They inadvertently become “monster parents”.  Many of them interfere with their children’s activities and relationships. Others become pushy and to an extent, narcissistic; they enforce unreasonable expectations on their kids.

If you have parents who step beyond their boundaries, you will need to push them back in gentle, inoffensive ways. Before you do, you will need to decide whether your parent is over-controlling or simply being concerned.

Why parents become control freaks

Having controlling parents can wreck your nerves. You will find this especially true as an adult. Before you cut the apron strings, be aware of what causes their tendency to want to run your life. Telling them off may result in a big fight.

Rather than engaging in a conflict, take some time to analyze their behavior. It will allow you to approach them with empathy, and make them less defensive.

A difficult childhood is often the reason for a person’s erratic ways. Controlling parents may have manipulative parents or siblings themselves; they grew up believing that controlling others is a given behavior.

Parents with manipulative tendencies may have experienced hurt in the past. They may hold their children on tight leashes because of their insecurities. Having been in submissive positions before, managing their children is a way for them to be dominant.

Of course, some parents are narcissists. They become manipulative to defend their egos. Such parents feel that others should attune to their expectations, and refuse to consider any alternatives. To them, compromise is a weakness.

16 Signs that You Have a Controlling Parent

You may want to raise the subject of over-control with your parents but do not want to offend them. You may also be unsure if they are just concerned. How do you know if they are overly controlling, or just protective?

1. Being perfectionists

Parents who are control freaks tend to want “everything in its proper place.” They create rigid structures for you and often issue ultimatums if you do not follow instructions to their specifications.

2. Always knowing what is best.

And then, your pushy parents always assume that they know what is best for you. They refuse to consider alternative courses of action and do not give you the freedom to make decisions.

3. Unreasonable Expectations.

Being perfectionists, your controlling parents may set unrealistic goals for you. Their demands, such as getting perfect scores, are unreasonable and may cause you to feel that you are incapable of doing anything.



To make sure that you do things their way, they often offer constructive criticism. You may lack initiative, as you are too used to them making decisions for you.

4. Pushy parents want a say in their children’s relationships.

Your controlling parents may want a say in your relationships. They are always around when you invite your friends home and often eavesdrop on your conversations.

5. Controlling parents instill self-doubt.

As a means of getting you to do things their way, your manipulative parents may nitpick on everything you do. They may resort to fear-mongering or over-dramatizing the consequences of not following their actions.

6. Manipulative parents monopolize their child’s affection.

Your pushy parents may be selfish about your love. In an attempt to have you for themselves, they try to cut you off from your friends. They may even resort to force to get you to obey them. As time goes on, they may withdraw monetary support.

7. Manipulative parents communicate with people on their kid’s behalf.

Your pushy parents are probably micromanagers. They will do tasks on your behalf, fearing that you will make mistakes. Their actions make you feel as though you cannot be responsible for yourself.

8. Controlling parents make decisions without input from their children.

If your parents are control freaks, they will make decisions without consulting you.  It tells others that you are incapable of making them on your own.



9. Controlling parents always contact their children.

Your parents will bombard your phone with calls if they are pushy. They will want to know about your circle of friends and every detail about your workplace. They will interfere if you mix with the “wrong people.” Your parents may even cross the line and inquire about your sexual relationships.

10. These parents fight their children’s battles.

You may find your controlling parents always fighting your battles for you. Fearing that you will get hurt, they may not allow you to solve your problems. They are unaware that they cripple your ability to socialize by getting too involved in your activities.

11. Controlling parents burden their children with unnecessary responsibilities.

In an attempt to monopolize your time, your parents may overload you with responsibilities. The weight may make you feel as though you cannot have a life of your own.

12. Pushy parents are always around.

Pushy parents fail to understand the concept of “three is a crowd.” They always need to be around and fail to notice when their presence is not wanted.

13. Pushy parents are too involved in their children’s activities.

They become too involved in your social life and often give details to their friends. They fail to understand that they need to let you make mistakes to grow.

14. Controlling parents are passive-aggressive.

Pushy parents are often passive-aggressive. They will withhold affection or communication until you fall in their line. Their “silent judgment” is a form of control.

15. Pushy parents are impatient.

Controlling parents are anxious parents. They do not spare the time to listen to your explanations for your actions. To them, your methods are a waste of time; their ways are always the best.

Dealing with a controlling parent

Your parents may display a few, or worse, all the above signs. Do not be discouraged; tapping on a few coping mechanisms will make it easier to adjust to their controlling behavior.

First, empower yourself.  You may have parents who try to keep you in an Alcatraz-like, emotional prison, but you are responsible for your actions. Develop a plan to set boundaries and gain control of your life.

Make the decision to stand up to them, and not get overly angry. Do not obsess over pleasing them; remember that you have your life to live.

You cannot change your parents; that is a fact you must accept. However, you can choose to distance yourself from them. Stand your ground, and do not get too defensive if they accuse you of neglecting them. You can say things like:

“I am sorry that you are angry, I can understand why.”

A little empathy will make them more malleable. Cut off financial ties, and refrain from asking for favors.

Remember that they are your parents, even if you disagree with their pushy ways. Resolve the past and let go of any misgivings for your sake, not theirs. Confront them with respect, and let them know how you feel.

Set your boundaries and let them know, again respectfully, if they have crossed lines. Consider seeing a therapist if they still try too hard to manage your life.

You can steer the relationship with your over-controlling parents if you set limits with a little tact.

References:

  1. http://lifestyle.allwomenstalk.com/
  2. https://www.wikihow.com/
Michelle Liew, B.A.

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This Post Has 96 Comments

  1. Avatar
    A

    My parents do every one f these except fighting my battles, I rarely have them with people other than them and if I do, I feel like they sit back with popcorn to watch while critiquing.

    1. Panagiotis K.
      Panagiotis K.

      A lot of people feel like this, with their parents. But that doesn’t mean also we need to give up. 🙂

    2. Avatar
      kris

      I am 34 and live in my own place and just had a big fight with my parents because my dad doesn’t like the way I do laundry. He kept trying to say I didn’t balance it right and kept trying to change the setting of my clothes.Then my mom is freaking out about whether or not my nephew should play outside at the playground or go to the pumpkin patch with me because what if there is a mass shooting My brother said it was fine so, wtf? Dad tried to mess my art show up and tried to make me late for work when my car died by messing around in the dollar store for a half hour cleaning their bathroom.

  2. Avatar
    Sarah Lee

    I am going to be 40 this year and this completely describes my mom and dad. If I don’t do things their way, they aren’t happy with me. It is awful. I am with someone they approve of, otherwise I wouldn’t be “allowed” to live with anyone else together in one of their crappy rental properties. It is a selfish and sick twisted existence, and everyone in this situation feels like they are in prison. They manipulate to get me to live how they want. Forget everyone else, it is always about them. It just really sad. I struggle with depression. I feel like a prisoner in my own life. This has been literally going on for Years.

    1. Michelle L
      Michelle L

      Hi Sarah,

      I’m sorry to hear this. One of the keys to maintaining a relationship with controlling parents is to maintain a respectful distance….while you value them, you should set firm boundaries.

    2. Avatar
      CB

      Sarah, it looks like you are doing this to your self. My suggestion… move out of their rental.
      Live your life away from them. Be kind and respectful to them but get out of there.
      Even if you have to get a side job to pay for a place not owned by them.

      1. Panagiotis K.
        Panagiotis K.

        As CB stated, this is the first move you can do. I agree 100% ;). Move out from your parent’s house and try to build your own life.

    3. Avatar
      Kimberlyn Shutzer

      I can’t emphasize more how I can relate to you. I think there should be a law that all kids after 16 should be separated from their parents, good or bad, I don’t care. I think parents are a waste of time and life and as we get older they get to be a nuisance and burden, especially control freak mothers.

    4. Avatar
      Cathy

      Hi Sarah, sorry to hear this. Move out now and get your own place.

    5. Avatar
      Curran Padake

      It’s unfortunate that some fathers perceive a successful son as someone who is married and settled with 3 kids. They will go as far as constantly shaming you when you don’t live up to their expectations.

    6. Avatar
      Amy

      Sarah, Do you live in an expensive city, and is that why you live in your parents rental? If so it might be worth moving to a cheaper area if it will save your sanity. It might be easier than you think. I feel your pain and wish you the best of luck 🙂

    7. Avatar
      Michelle

      i know how u feel I am 51 . I want to have a relationship with a special man but my mom doesn’t “approve” even threatened to take me out of the will. And probably wouldn’t ever talk with me again. i am the only child i love my mom she’s been my safety net for years. i don’t know how to “see” her like any other way.

  3. Avatar
    Andrea

    Im 45 and my mother still thinks she can tell me what to do? Shes never liked any of my exs. Not even my current partner. Whom she hates!
    Ive had to resort moving overseas permanetly. so that l can live a peaceful life.
    I dont even have children of my own, because of her. I dont want to bring kids up &_have them subjected to what l went through ‘growing up’.
    I was sexually molested when l was 12. I told her,(my parents) and they didnt believe me. They called me a lier.

    Ive accepted the fact shes the problem,and she will never change. Shes suffers depression but l think shes bi polar.
    Shes even influnced my brother, l dont have a close relationship with him either.
    So moving away is the best decision lve ever done.

    1. Michelle L
      Michelle L

      Thanks for sharing, Andrea. It’s difficult indeed, and we manage in the best way we can. It takes unending patience.

    2. Avatar
      Andria

      Hello Andrea,
      I read your post, and I thought your life is so similar to mine. I am also 45 years old and I have no spouse and children. Neither does my brother. When my brother showed a romantic interest towards someone, my mother would run interfere. She still continues to do this with both of us. I have only introduced her to one male in my life, who I was engaged to. I went through hell. She gossiped to the family about me. She told me that I shamed the family and God was mad at me. Her goal is for me to stay single and live with her to take care of her. When I make a decision that she doesn’t agree with, she stops taking her blood pressure medication and end up in the hospital. My family blames me. I am very depressed and have anxiety throughout my life.

  4. Michelle L
    Michelle L

    Hi Kristen! I’d be interested in this group myself. I’ll be visiting shortly!

    1. Avatar
      Krysten

      Hey, Michelle! Did you ever join? ☺

      1. Michelle L
        Michelle L

        Hi Krysten,

        I just did! Thank you for having me.

  5. Avatar
    Emily Rist

    My grandmother is this and more, I lived with her for 2 years and ran away. My grandmother takes care of my disables brothers who are shut ins. The one that’s not autistic waits for her on hand and foot, as well as waiting for grandpa and guests, and never has hung out with friends, had electronics for more than a few hours and no connection to the outside world. Another thing is, abusive parents like her who manipulate their self-image to avoid child abuse social workers and instead put me in mental health care. The system has no way to get around her and that’s why I’ve determined myself to go into a good career and take them away from the hurt because our government would over look manipulation and make the matters worse.

  6. Avatar
    Connie

    I’m 34, and my parents match everything that’s on the checklist. I joined the navy just to get away from them; I told them the reason why I would run away but they won’t listen. Even after 13 years later, they still trying to ruin my life — they hate my husband because we are not the same race, causing my kids to hate each other because they favor the 1st born, talking shit to me because we are not as wealthy as they are… they blamed me of losing a ton of money in real estate investment because of the location of my college (fact is I got accepted in a different city but I was restricted to go… I was too young to refuse because they were going to cut off the money) Trying to “restrict” me to come back to my hometown for attending my best friend’s wedding because they don’t think friendship exists, (oh yeah so I ended up getting a hotel room myself, and flew in without telling them, since they always told me that they won’t let me come inside the house), calling me fat everyday since I’m not skinny like those Asian women in Asia, etc. There are so many more things that I could go on in that list.

    Anyways, I’m Chinese…. all those years I thought that’s just the Asian thing. Now I realize that those control freaks are everywhere. I’m just glad that my husband is always there to support me. I’m trying every effort to get rid off those unacceptable behaviors that I might passively pass that on my kids. By separating my kids from my parents, I intentionally teach them zero Chinese languages. (I spoke 5 languages, a government-graded interpreter) I know that I have wasted that talent, but I really have no choice.

    They have already ruined my life… I cannot have them ruined my kids. Period.

    1. Michelle L
      Michelle L

      I am sorry to hear this, Connie and I fully understand. Controlling parents try to mold their kids to fit their ideals, and as we know, it never works. I’m glad that your husband’s there for you.

  7. Avatar
    Tiffany

    Sarah Lee- you describe my situation exactly and I’m in my mid 40s. It’s been like this from day one and my parents don’t even live in the same state. My mother had some pretty rotten things happen to her in life so I will never stand up to her and make her already tragic life worse. Know that you are not alone. If there is any silver lining it’s that I recognize her behavior as abnormal and so I’m not making the same mistakes with my children. Wish I could find a local support group for people in our shoes. Take care.

  8. Avatar
    Ms. Desperada

    I thought I was the only one, I’m an only child and my father passed away three years ago. I turned 33 in June. graduated college, landed a great job and also I have my own business. I live with my mother because I feel awful moving out since I’m the only child. I have been with my boyfriend for five years. we took a break because my mother does not approve of me sleeping over or going on vacation with my boyfriend or any of exes. She hided my passport to prevent me going on vacation with my ex. Supposedly he was not good enough for me. I ended breaking up with him. Then I met my current boyfriend and even though we have been together for five years she treats him bad and does not lose a chance to insult him. my boyfriend has a great job as well and he put up with everything without saying a word because he loves me and knows how important my mother is to me. She does not have too many friends and the ones she had stopped talking to her. My boyfriend and I spoke to her about me moving with him. she told him that the only reason she let him step into the apartment was because of me, that we were old and we didn’t need her approval that she didn’t care and many other hurtful things. since that day she has been very dismissal with me and hardly speaks to me and said I didn’t defend her when he said that the reason he wanted her approval was that I love her and I was very attached to her. I really don’t know what to do I love my boyfriend and my mother as well. P.S she doesn’t need me to pay for bills when I leave because I already made sure her full rent is pay from my business.

  9. Avatar
    Elizabeth

    Hey guys. I’m 18 years old and my name is Elizabeth. I turned 18 in may. Anyways it was fine living at home at 1st after I turned 18 but now it’s toxic. I put my car in a ditch and my dad still hasn’t let it go. I also ran over a curb and made my tire fall off of the rim but didn’t pop it. They were $2,000 somethin in debt with me when I was working and going to school so I decided to buy the car off of them. But it’s not in my name so anytime we fight they hold that against me. Also they take my phone bc I don’t pay the bills but they won’t let me get my OWN phone bc they can’t go through it. I feel like I’m being suffocated. I’m on my senior year of highschool and can’t even focus in school because I’m so stressed out about living here. I want to move out but the only place I have to go is my friend Koris house. She’s like a sister to me. But idk how to move out without starting a HUGE fight. They won’t listen to me even if I try to say it nicely. I need help😔

    1. Panagiotis K.
      Panagiotis K.

      At the age of 18, I was also had big problems with my parents. Parents will always see their children as children. I would suggest you chill out. I know it is difficult but believe me, any other option like leaving your house will definitely bring new problems to your life. Try to stop fighting with them and give some time to your relationship, so both of you will calm down.

      What you need right now I think is time and patience. Hope you find your way Elizabeth!! 🙂

    2. Avatar
      Emie

      Hi Elizabeth,

      My parents were like that too. I got a job and tried to make a payment plan with them for any car accidents. This shows them you are at least trying to be responsible. It is up to them whether they accept this or not. Also, I used to be on a joint phone plan with my Mom… this gave her access to who I was calling and how much it cost. It only made her more intrusive. I think you can get your own phone plan even if it’s a tiny flip phone or a pre-paid you can gain some sanity back. You are old enough to make your own choices and if they continue to control you, they are wrong so you must keep moving forward and make your own life independent of them, I think there are even laws about what you are entitled to when you are 18. For me, no matter what I did they still tried to control it so it was a lose lose. I figured I might as well live my life because they will be unhappy either way. You don’t have to be like them. Good luck to anyone who reads this.

  10. Avatar
    Love Martinez

    I’m 14 and I live with my grandparents. My grandpa is really nice, but my grandma is very controling. She always talks crap about me on the phone, and she always makes me feel like I can’t do anything right. When I try to ignore her she gets even angrier and ((since her first language is Spanish) tells me insults Spanish. I get depressed and lonely, I try to be happy, but she puts back into the same depression.I’m lucky though because I have my grandpa who defends me when she’s being like that, and my pets who can comfort me. When I get older I want move away, but for now I’m just going to try and keep my distance.

    1. Avatar
      Kim

      Yuppp, I have a similar situation. I’m 15 and the only person I have is my mother (my father is never at home) and I’m an only child. The problem is that she’s very controlling and thinks that I have to do EVERYTHING she says. If I try to give her a more reasonable option, she screams at me and threatens to call Adoptive Services. She thinks she’s the only one who’s right and talks ill about everyone… That’s why she only has like 1 friend. She always tells everyone in her family about everything I do wrong but never acknowledges what I do right. Like I have straight A’s for most of my classes (7 A’s) and I got ONE C in Math and she called her sisters in Venezuela and said that I got a 75 and that I was turning into a bad student. FOR ONE CLASS.

      Another time, she scheduled an appointment to the doctors for me that wasn’t necessary and it was on a school day so I told her I couldn’t go cause I had school and she throwed a whole tantrum. It was horrible. She also has a huge debt because of the rent and she’s always complaining but I can’t do anything. She’s also always taking my phone away because I “use it too much” but there’s literally NOTHING else to do in that house. I don’t even have friends either at my school cause she thinks they’re all ghetto and bad influences. Im come to develop social anxiety.

      I’m honestly so done with everything.

      1. Avatar
        Britt

        My god, I can relate. I’m 17 and I’m not even allowed to have phone service. They’re mad that I had a long-distance relationship with someone from another state and changed my personal email on an app. I have no privacy anymore since they got rid of my door once and there’s no lock on it, even if it was locked they can unlocked via screwdriver. No sleepovers, no dates, not even a hangout. A senior in high school and I never went to hang out with my only friends without my parents knowing about it sometime or later.

  11. Avatar
    Anonymous

    My father forced me into marrying a girl from India. Know one helped me he was controlling he use to read all my letter. I once ‘re wives a personal letter from a girl and he read it. He told me not to write to girls and just get married.

    I had a loving sister who left the family I don’t blame her ! Because of my father.

    Next I got falsely accused of something I didn’t do the whole world turned against me….noone listened. I suffered fro. Mental disorders I hate my father

    1. Avatar
      Shweta Mg

      That is exactly how the family dynamics worked for my ex husband. Indian parents preach about how religion and traditions, Sanskrit I are valuable but I feel they don’t acknowledge their children have inherited their traits, have different psychological profiles and autonomy to state their preferences. That is where we say all races are the same, no one is different and that you should tell them to read a few psychology articles, not to mention Indian marital laws. If they are willing to be grand to a stranger then why shouldn’t they treat you better too ?
      Give them a realistic insight read blogs and tell them it’s not all honey and roses what they propose, but real problems exist and they shouldn’t be saying deal with shit later.

  12. Avatar
    Tiffy

    I am 26 years old and my parents are very controlling. I feel like I can’t breathe or speak to them if I want to make my own life decisions. I have been dating my boyfriend since I was 18 and my father told him to get out of his house this year. I want to get married and start my own family but they make it seem like it’s such a disgraceful act. Also when I tell them that I am an adult they use terms like “if I know how I became an adult?” And with this, it’s like I owe them my life.

    I feel like I’m never living for me but for them. I am also judged if I go out late (not very often) and I am constantly called. I have my own job and a proper education. I just feel like I am not good enough or ungrateful for wanting to live my life for me.

  13. Avatar
    Kim

    Ugh. My mother is under the impression that since she is my mother, she needs to know everything. What medication I’m on, if I’m making appointments for this or that, if I’m doing what she thinks I should be doing, “it’s my right to know these things” is her mantra, I believe. She reminds me daily that I have to do this or that, or she goes around me and makes decisions for me that I didn’t agree to or approve of. She tells her friends and acquaintances my personal medical information (like a surgery I was having done—she was my driver). She nags the crap out of me if I’m not doing things fast enough or making decisions quick enough for her liking. She does all of this under the guise of “I’m just trying to help you”. She has no regard for my privacy at all. She calls privacy “secrecy”. She does not respect my boundaries at all. She noses through my medication in my office and inquires about them. She reads my facebook page and comments personal information. I finally had to block her. She blows her own horn an awful lot. “I did this before anyone else” or “I got praise from this person or from doing that”. I’m now in my late 40s and this is still going on. I’m so tired of the constant nagging that I’m beginning to hate her. I did move away and it just got worse. She doesn’t treat my brothers like this. She gets all mad when I try to stand my grand and it becomes a yelling match. I am so over this. Manipulation is her favourite form of control. She has shamed me to my friends and to my doctor and with her friends. People tell me I should be grateful I still have my mother, but at this point, I’m not convinced.

  14. Avatar
    Shweta Mg

    Each of these checklist points apply to me, also from a wealthy family. If I express a legitimate point, there are massive threatening fights. I fight back I hurt them with curses to go die or that I will throw them into a facility if they expect me to look after them later on.
    I fight hurtfully I often jeer them and laugh at their stupidity and criticize their obvious mistakes. Then tell them a few sympathetic words and then manage a few ego slamming comments on how they think or feel, point the problem back at them and keep your parents second guessing about their own frame of mind or choices.
    Next because of their meddling in my marriage and claiming to have protected me, though they won’t admit; it’s their fault in arranging a marriage to a guy who is more like them and came into the marriage for the money they boasted to invest. My ex didn’t get it and decided to leave me high and dry two days after bringing a baby home. Alright you can say I didn’t see the signs, actually I did and because I was mentally strong to hold a one man game, after all I learnt this being in constant opposition to my parents always.

    My son adores me more than he loves my ex, his father and thinks it a big punishment to go see him. That is court orders, if I had my way which is going to take some time, I’m a foreign trained doctor, and need to really get through admissions hopefully this coming year. There is yet another exam, I will study for to get where I should have without the impediments and obstacles set by my parents for me.

    I think motivation is a silent force and anyone planning to get away from destructive parents should pretend to be sweetsy, playing a gas lighting game to advance your gains. Constantly place doubt but do creative things to offer to them. That’s what I’m doing but don’t listen to insults, do fight or point out examples of their stupidity you should, you need to bask in some glory to strive.
    Emotional stress sabotages all of us facing this and we might then always be in our parents homes facing crap even in rearing our own children, then parents may over take your role and start acting like young parents to your children, ruling us out. I’m facing this and I constantly put them in place about the smallest things, convincing them they are aging and are too emotionally immature and unstable or unhealthy to admit this .:)

    Reduce their self worth it’s a slow process until you work on yourself. It is taxing in every way but you will gain some control over them through their fears and insecurities.
    We all are humans why is this stupid concept of giving respect to elders present? It doesn’t matter nor does it make sense , we all have the same internal structure just incidentally at a different point in time. That doesn’t guarantee your feelings and image are less valid than someone older than you.
    At least you have a fresh enthusiasm and hope hold on to that do not allow yourself to fall into the ditch of eternal hopelessness . That takes more stamina and resources to get out of, something your controlling family will be happy you fell into .
    Don’t give them too much of those pleasures, give a few take back yourself silently and then pull away .

    I am Hindu and Brahmin, I was brought up pretty modern and allowed to eat what I want as did my parents too. Suddenly at marriage time one is supposed to become a family oriented vegetarian cooking and always doing chores because we are girls. If you are a boy and didn’t have kids, they will start calling that boy gay or impotent, demeaning young adults, because these elders have been roughshod too much and want us to be embittered too.
    I don’t have any gods in my home, traditional behavior ended when my parents ex left me on stupid grounds stating I do not meet their ideals of being a typical Brahmin wife .
    Screw that and well the gods are sitting in a rubbish bag in the shoe storage place where it belongs. There is only us and only our fears or conscience keeping the human race going on, that and renewed hope for a creative constructive world.
    For that today’s youth need to pretend to play in alignment until you are strong enough to discard those holding you back: the toxic waste dump that are our own malignant families tying us down .
    Take time but let’s aim for a better tomorrow:)

  15. Avatar
    Zach

    My parents fit this list perfectly. More-so my father. He’s also a very sensitive man who I’m nothing like, and he hates it. At 33 years old, I have a decent job, have my own house, pay my bills and work really hard for what I have. I only spend money on things I actually “need” rather than something I “want”. All this and he still thinks I’m not doing anything right. They’ll still treat me like a child and tell me that I’m not living up to their expectations. I’ve tried talking with them without getting angry, I’ve tried sticking up for myself and letting them know I’m doing great, but that only makes them resent me more. They’ll call me everyday and if I don’t answer, they’ll think something terribly wrong has happened. My dad is very manipulative and will make me feel guilty with everything I do. He’ll never admit his faults and will twist things around to make it sound like it’s my problem. When confronted, he’ll either shut down and say nothing or not talk to me for weeks. He’ll say things like “This is what I want” or “You don’t know what you’re doing”

    Mostly, the both of them expect me to drop everything, and make time for weekly visits. (I work 75+ hours a week). And If I don’t, I’m disrespecting them. I’ve tried everything except talking to a therapist, which I think I’m ready to do.

  16. Avatar
    cherrelle

    I’ll be 28 next month and my mom has been like most of these points all my life. She yells at me for ‘not knowing how to speak up’ then never letting me have an opinion or if I do something she doesn’t like (wearing skinny jeans, styling my hair a way she doesn’t like, we had a huge blowout because she hated the way I washed dishes) she tells me ‘this is why you’ll never do xyz or no man will want to marry someone who doesn’t do xyz.’ I can’t reason with her calmly and respond with how i disagree or how i still choose x way because she’ll get angry and yell even louder or shout me into submission. My question is, since I have to live with her until I have enough money to move out, how can I assert myself if she can go so far as to threaten to kick me out (where i would have nowhere to go, I know literally no one in the area and my family/friends cannot help me) or threaten violence against me? How can I live in this house if she won’t let me be an adult? I respect her rules, keep up with housekeeping, I don’t yell or disrespect her yet she still needs to control me.

    1. Michelle L
      Michelle L

      Hi Cherelle,

      The best way to do it is to wait for an opportune time to have a heart to heart with her. Let her know, with a little tact, that she is a little TOO exacting.

      Another thing you could do is to just say “mum, calm down,” when she’s in one of her moods. Parents usually behave this way when things don’t go well for them.

      1. Avatar
        cherre

        Thank you, I appreciate it. I tend to avoid telling her about things she does that make me uncomfortable (said in that way to avoid blame games) but she’ll turn it into a blame game, or say if I hadn’t done x she wouldn’t have to do y, or ‘this is my house and I do what I want’ instead of thinking I’m just asking her to help communicate with me better. She takes it to a place of me trying to boss her around. Or if I say something she does bothers me in a way, she’ll burst into tears, feel horrible, and ask if i ever felt loved by her, and I know she loves and and she isn’t trying to hurt me but I feel so guilty I just would rather not say anything. Also….telling my mom to calm down is literally the worst thing I could ever do! In any way! I’ve tried, but it’s her #1 pet peeve that makes her blow up even more. She goes back into screaming and yelling and cuts me off if I try to calm her down. The threats of ‘if you don’t like it, you can get out’ or just getting in my face and stopping the conversation altogether, only getting angrier when I try to reason or find a different way to speak to her. It’s so stressful. She can’t even stand to hear me speak when I’m angry. When I’m trying to reason and explain how I feel, you know that mode when it’s evident you’re angry but you aren’t being angry AT the person? She said she can’t even stand to hear that from me, that she immediately turns off the reasoning in her brain and goes straight to the vicious yelling, things like ‘i’m not your friend so you need to control your tone’ when I wasn’t yelling or giving attitude. I often feel she is embarrassed of me and feels that her successes and failures are evident in me. She has so many insecurities I have, and she’s always making comments to people about my weight, my accomplishments, my lack of doing something the way ‘it’s supposed to be’ (meaning what she wants me to do) yet she says ‘i want you to do whatever makes you happy, do what you like but when you leave the house, you represent me. don’t leave the house looking a mess, etc.’ which is ridiculous. I think I embody her failures because I’m not the daughter she wanted or hoped I could be. I’m fat, insecure, no friends, awkward, I don’t dress the way she likes, I’m ‘weird’ and into ‘weird’ things, etc. I often think her control is either because I’m embodying something she doesn’t want to face or because she’s suppressing a lot from the 15+ years of being married to my abusive father, even if that was 17 years ago when they divorced. She says she ‘forgets a lot of that stuff’ but even the most healthy minded people don’t ‘forget’ their abuse, they just don’t let it affect them.

  17. Avatar
    Andrette Miller

    My mother has been meddling in my life since 35 years old, married a man I didn’t love because that’s what she wanted, now divorced, had a child soon to be 18. My mother asked me to forgive her and I have but I have beem unhappy fir years. I tell my daughter I will not interfere in her adult life, give advice but whhatever decisions she makes, whether right or wrong, she can’t say Mom told me and then I’m accountable for her unhappiness. I tell her my life is not yours nor mine yours. I’ve decided to move away, need distance.

    1. Michelle L
      Michelle L

      Andrette, distance is best in such cases, indeed.

      1. Avatar
        Andrette Miller

        Thank you Michelle, I’ve begun to gradally distance myself.

  18. Avatar
    Grace.

    I’m 22 years old. Recently graduated university. Now a registered nurse. My parents are fundamentalist christians who think i am just an extension of them and that i must believe what they believe and obey them in all things or face the wrath of God.
    I cannot just go out if i wanted, i have to ask permision and they must know exactly where and with whom i’m going. I’ve been fustrated all my teenage years and now unto my adulthood.
    When i communicated to them of my plans to move out, they were not having it. They called me ungrateful, threatened me with parental curses, tried to instill fear in me and manipulate me into staying all with the reminder that i owe them my life and i have to do what they say

    1. Michelle L
      Michelle L

      Parents put in effort into raising their children, and believe that this gives them a license to dictate their beliefs. In such cases, have a heart-to-heart. Then gradually put in distance-but not disconnection-between you.

    2. Avatar
      Amy

      Grace, Do your parents have actual friends at church? The reason I ask is because my mother is also very religious (Catholic), and only recently I realized she’s never had any friends at church. I had been so brainwashed by her guilt and shame-mongering that I hadn’t even noticed she’s always pushing the importance of church yet she’s never had any friends at church. I also realized that my sister and I had never met either set of godparents or any of her bridesmaids except the one she’s related to but not speaking to anymore. She tried to start a fight with me recently, and I casually brought this up and you could have heard a pin drop.

  19. Avatar
    Annie

    Hello I’m new to this.
    Hello my name is Annie and I’m 20years old and my parents are controlling about everything I do with my life. I recently told my mom about a relationship that I’m in and she disagreed with it. She told my boyfriend to leave me alone and she doesn’t like it. So I tried to talk to her about it she just started to get mad and saying why are you doing this to us. I told her I’m an adult I can make my own decisions but she wants me to stay at home with them and take care of them. I was considering putting distance between me and my parents by moving out and living with my boyfriend. He knows about the situation I’m in and he supports every decision I make and I’m trying to talk with my mom but she doesn’t want to listen she will get angry and just start yelling at me. Saying I am jeopardize my future but in reality they are keeping me home like I’m a prisoner.

    1. Avatar
      Andrette Miller

      Annie. I empathize with you. The best thing you can do is move out or you’ll grow old and not have lived your life trying to appease your parents. been there. Tell your parents its time to cut the umbilical cord, they won’t like it but your a grown woman capable of making decisions. Stand your ground!

  20. Avatar
    Sy

    Hi there

    I am the controlling parent but I pray that if you read this it offers some hope. As my daughter gets older I realize that I really hurt her and now it feels like we are stuck. But reading your different post help me see my daughter side and maybe I can show you your parents side.

    I love my daughter to the point that I am so afraid of the world hurting her beyond what she can bear. Now I realize I am the reason she can’t take much and is very easily influenced. Most of you are people pleasers and because you couldn’t please your parents so find joy in pleasing people. This puts you at risk for people to hurt you so as a parent that is like a fire alarm going off and we jump all over you. But this vicious cycle has one objective to separate you from the love of your parents and that is what you are forgetting they TRULY love more than they own life (which is the problem). But remember their love because it doesn’t last forever they will die and then you will either blame for the rest of your life or repeat the cycle. Controlling parent bread controlling parents. So here is the hope, as a parent I love my daughter to the point that I realize I have to let go and that is not an easy task but if you have a honest without anger conversation your parent loves you too much they won’t ignore you . You just have to own up to your behavior and ask them how you can help them see the pain hurt and problems they are causing you. It will take time but their love for you will help them see they need to back off. But remember you have to be honest if you are 40 living off their dime you can’t say you are independent and don’t need them in your life.

    1. Avatar
      KokonutGrove15

      Ouch! After reading such a hurtful response, one wonders was this a self-serving testament to absolve guilt or another tactic for putting blame onto another person who stood their ground against an inflexible parent.

      Let’s unpack everything, starting with, “Most of you are people pleasers and because you couldn’t please your parents so find joy in pleasing people.” Whether or not this personality trait appears, this sounds more of a taunt from a bully rather than a concern from a loving parent. An iron fist inside of a glove hurts just as much as honey dripped sentiments laced with venom. When children estrange themselves from parents, it’s usually because the parents didn’t respect their boundaries and rights. This includes personal freedom, autonomy, and even choices in life partners. Is it more important to have a relationship with a child or to “be right “?

      Next let’s take a look at this sentence, “But remember their love because it doesn’t last forever they will die and then you will either blame for the rest of your life or repeat the cycle.” An implicit threat from someone nursing a family grudge against a child implies some unspoken tensions and unresolved family issues. A parent targets and scapegoats their child(ren) who exposes their personal weaknesses and reflects it back toward the offending parent. The behavior of our child(ren) often mirror what we think about ourselves in addition how we relate to everyone inside our household. Let that simmer for a while.

      The final admonishment, “But remember you have to be honest if you are 40 living off their dime you can’t say you are independent and don’t need them in your life.” let’s me know that as a parent, there was no unconditional love towards your daughter/son. Some people choose to live at home because of life circumstances such as divorce, loss of employment, domestic violence, etc. Be thankful, your child still trusted and love you enough to come back home to sort things out to restore their finances. Everyone hits a rough patch in life, so it’s disrespectful heap scorn upon someone who’s going through a tough situation.

      However, if the adult over 40 never left home in the first place then why did you and the child’s father thwart their ambition in the first place? Parents do become jealous of their children and their aspirations and will (un)intentionally sabotage their well being. Ask yourself, does your child have more social/professional opportunities than you did at a comparable age and it eats you up inside to see him/her have such social freedoms. Let that marinate for a while.

      I can speak from experience. At 19, I cut the apron strings with a vengeful vindictive mother and a very controlling father who didn’t want to see their youngest child leave them and establish her own autonomy. Twenty years later after much self-referencing through counselling, I can put everything in its proper perspective.

    2. Avatar
      Your nightmare

      Well done ,at least some parent has tried to understand that they are at fault.You know it is not that difficult .If you find friction in your relationship with your children,why did it you go to a therapist or read a book on raising children.You people first act so mature and then you yourself are not able to find any solutions and expects us to do better.
      You people brag about having experience of life but actually it is your insecurity ,immaturity which leads you to interfere in your kids life .
      You stop there personal and professional growth ,by commenting on theirs choices ,lowers their self esteem and to be honest I curse those parents including my father.If you had a tough past it is your problem,I have my share of problems .So you are at fault weather you agree or not .You parents and only you are responsible for hindering their growth in life and furthermore when someone is not able to progress as per your expeditions ,you make stupid comments with their stupid mind.
      My only suggestion to those who are on the receiving end is-Run away if you have to ,get a better live,If you don’t feel good with them then leave their house,you were not born so that you can listen to the bullshit your parents have to say.You own absolutely nothing to these controlling maniacs .Zero.If you are not happy with them then why are you living with them.The purpose of life is to be happy ,and if they hinder your happiness you should leave them.so when you say “we controlling parents love you”-Just know that no body is ready to by the nonsense you talk.We know what you are ,we have living most part of our live with you.And we clearly can see through you so stop bullshitting us.As it is such parents have no friends and their relatives also avoid them .Trust me tomorrow of the God also decided to avoid you you people will be no where.
      So for you Mr Parent get a life of your own and stop interference in their life if you want to be respected even a little bit by your children.The sooner you understand the better it would be .

  21. Avatar
    TF

    My mom is pretty controlling to the point where I’ve decided to leave the country (If I wasn’t so pissed off, I’d find this funny).

    My mother tends to say “I told you so” or “I knew it” quite often… generally she just knows everything! Most of the time I just leave her and let her have her way because it’s least painful in the short term. As a result my frustration builds up and I end up losinlosing it over small things (e.g. I’ve said things like “I know how to make my own hummus. I do it all the time. How often do you do It?”.)

    What pains me most of all is that I want to be a mom someday, but I’m so scared of being like her, that it’s beginning to affect my sex life with my fiancé.

    1. Michelle L
      Michelle L

      I believe your mum wants to maintain her position as the older person who knows more. She may just be afraid that you’d do things the wrong way.

      Have a good chat with her and explain that it’s necessary for you to make your mistakes and find your path in life. And no one’s right all the time.

  22. Avatar
    Tina smith

    I’m 23 dealing with this both my parents hold that they have helped me it or helping me bring up everything if isn’t wasn’t for them I wouldn’t have what I have and also I have a child they have helped me with and they use that against me they bought stuff without telling me about it or letting me and my sons father help or get it out selfs I’m so glade to have parents that help me but I think it’s for other reason I’ve tried to pay back what I’ve borrowed they say no I don’t want your money but we argue they start out with everything I’ve done for u I’ve bent over backwards and went broke to help u I’ve never asked them for the help but couple times but they say I know u didn’t but I love u that’s why I do it out of love I needed help a lot of times but never asked for a lot they giving me they just give me stuff say here or say I got something for u or got baby something she hates my son father who I’m engaged to which they hated everyone I’ve dated they say his done this and that why they don’t like him actually they act jealous of him and the fact that my son rather be with him then around them they hate they always say u don’t keep my grandson from me I’ve never kept him from them they will threaten to hit me or come at me they make me look like I’m crazy and the promblem and go and make my family think that to I haft to apologize or they make me miserable or threaten me make me feel guilty I want to leave get our own place now I got a job and everything she says go ahead keep insurance in my name and phone bill it’s away to control me I don’t want that I don’t want strings attached They think there opinions is what’s right I feel helpless and crazy and depressed idk what to do they say they will not come to my wedding or give me their blessing my sons father was young and dumb at first but has really grown up over past 5 years but because he wouldn’t do what my parents wanted him to do they hate him he don’t try to talk to them cause he feel uncomfortable and un welcome which I can see why they say they’ve tried to be nice to him or my mom does her fake nice act and my dad acts rude but they’ve never liked that fact that his in my life and I’m gonna marry him and that we got a child together my mom is always sick now all the time now I can’t go anywhere she won’t baby sit for me says she doesn’t feel good or something going on I’m starting to think maybe she’s doing something to make her self sick to have me feel bad so I won’t leave she flips out text me all day long when I don’t answer she says angry things or says why don’t u talk to me when u over there or do u hate me I’m sick of it I’m scared and don’t know what to do

    1. Avatar
      Jean-Marie Hendricks

      Tina, hun, do we share the same parents?!?! I swear you just described my parents to a tee!! And I’m 45 years old, and they still do this crap to me!! I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this with your parents. My suggestion, as soon as you and your fiance can, move out. Yes, they all throw a fit, but what matters is your mental health. If you have friends or other family near by, see if they can watch your son, so you can get a job. Then save every dime you can, and get your own place, away from them and their controlling ways. It’s the only way you can take control of your life back from them. Believe me , it’s the only thing that worked with mine. You can go visit them, but make sure they come visit you too. The reason I say this, is because if they’re like my parents, they won’t feel as comfortable being controlling on your turf, as they are on their own turf. So when they start trying to get you to come to their house all the time, to visit, occassionally say sorry, but it’s gonna have to be at my house this time, cause I’ve got (enter your reason here) going on. Hopefully this will work for you, as it has with mine. Yes, initially, they all throw a fit, but stand your ground politely. And for God’s sake, make sure you don’t give them anything to hold over your head!! Don’t ask for money (if they offer, refuse it), don’t give them any personal information about your life, your son’s life, or your fiance. Keep your conversations about just general things. Good luck dear. I know how hard it is, but you’ve got to do what is best for you, and your family now.

  23. Avatar
    S

    I am 38 years old and I live on my own and I lived with my mom while my husband and I were separated, Im just now learning to drive and my mom refuses to accept that she makes me feel guilty and tries to scare me by telling me that I will be in an accident and that if I am she will cuss my husband out.what should I do

  24. Avatar
    Amanda

    Well i bet nobody has parents like mine I feel i have been put in prison for my whole life by my parents because if i don’t answer my phone I get guilt trips and a two hour lecture and my parents ruined on of my relationship when i was 19 year’s old and my dad resently inherited my grandpa’s ranch and my dad told me if i ever wanted to inherit the ranch that i have to leave my kids father the man i love and I’m 35 year’s old and my mom told me that my dad told her that he was going to have my cousin and his family live with me and my family in a three bedroom Ranch house I bearly know my cousin I mainly only know his name not that he’s a bad person or anything he seem to be a good person I just don’t really know him that well because my aunt didn’t allow us to hang out much I don’t even know much about my cousins sister but I know more about my aunt then i know about my cousins sad I know but it’s true!

  25. Avatar
    Claire

    Hello, I actually have never talked about this with people who aren’t in my social circle so bare with me. I am a 23 year old woman and I have had controlling parents all my life. When I was younger it was more normal and even thought ohh all parents are like this. All parents are restricting and eventually, they will get over this once you grow up.. Well now I’m grown up and it still has not changed. Here is alittle bit of backstory… I currently live with both of my parents while I go to nursing school and I am almost done (thank God)! Things have gotten increasingly bad because of my new boyfriend is has a 6 year age difference. If I am honest, I have not had the best of luck when it comes to love/dating. I have had my heart broken multiple times and I am finally happy with this man and he has also helped me be my true self in all aspects. We plan on a future together after I graduate from nursing school. My parents have restricted the times I have been able to see him and it has only been 5 months. I have talked to both my parents about my feelings and they don’t really acknowledge them. I have been put down and made to feel like a failure for most of life and it has affected me in most aspects of my life. My boyfriend is very supportive of my career and my future and told he will stick by me with whatever decision. I have contemplated moving in with him but I feel that will only make the situation worse even know he has told me many times that if I don’t like his rules that I get the eff out. My parents are also cosigners to the loans I currently have with my school and they feel they can ALWAYS pull that card as a guilty trip or some type of blackmail. If I was younger (16 or 17), I could possibly see their reasoning and their tactics but because I am a grown woman is slowly trying to take control of my own life, it most definitely not fair.

    1. Avatar
      KokonutGrove15

      Hi-five for earning a nursing degree, a certain path to economic and personal independence. Fist-bump for standing up for yourself and your relationship with your boyfriend. It’s important to establish autonomy from our parents and let them know we have the right to make our decisions and for them to respect them. Right now, the parents wrongly believe they have power to control you with money and feel they can put you in check since they co-signed personal loans. Let them know how this makes you feel because money issues break up many families. Have a discussion at the dinner table and remind them that you thank them for their support (financial and otherwise); yet this does not give them the right to use this as a means to control your life. Also, they feel that your new love interest is taking away their daughter who’s no longer their little girl whom they’ve always protected. Reassure them he’s not taking you away from them but he wants to be part of their lives, too. (Wedding bells, maybe?) Keep open the doors of communication 🙂

  26. Avatar
    M

    I’m 36 years old girl and my family try to control my life all the time they even try to distroy the relationships between me and the love of my life try to distroy all my dreams and give my younger the rights to insult me
    And if I don’t do what they want they insult me and always try to make me feel guilty that they keep tell me that I’m the resone that my mother sick and I don’t know what I do

  27. Avatar
    Altruist

    Until they change they do not need respect or empathy from us, the children or adults. We do not need to explain them their behaivour more than couple of times, because this shows that they will never learn. The burden of proof is on them, because they will always try to manipulate us with logical fallacies.

  28. Avatar
    ElizabethCa

    I honestly wonder how “I see you’re angry, I understand why” or something actually works for the author. I know with my mother I learned never, ever to say something like that. If you “understand”, she will take that as proof that you implicitly agree with her. Since you agree with her, it means you much have some bad motive for why you’re not doing what she says. Helpfully, she’s there to help you work through your issues so you won’t be struggling so much with doing what she says!

  29. Avatar
    Dalia

    Same here i’m 46 n my Mom still trying to control my relationship

  30. Avatar
    Scarlett

    My parents are all of these. My mother mostly. When I try to point. out that they’re being too controlling and it’s not a good way to handle their only kid, they get angry and imply that I have no right to say that because they’re my parents. I also save money from my allowance so I can be able to afford things without asking money from them. However, my mother often borrows my money, promising that she’ll return it but gets angry when I ask for her payment. She constantly judges my friends and claim to know their personality–which is always bad, for her– even though she hasn’t been with them for longer than 5 minutes. She wants me to cut myself off of them and constantly wants to know my password on facebook. They always criticize me and not a day passes by where they mention a mistake and degrades me for it. I can barely breathe around them. They don’t allow me to go out and when they do, they get angry and suspicious about it, claiming that I do shady activities when I go out, which I don’t. They also always point out that they’re the only ones I can trust and that my aunts and uncles (whom I am close to) and friends doesn’t care about me/us because they have their own families. They also don’t listen to me and doesn’t regard my opinion just because they’re the parents and I’m the kid. All of these, and yet it’s not enough to describe the grief it caused me. I have fallen into depression and have engaged in self-harm, which they came to know. When I talked to my mother about it and told her that they were the reason why, she seems to be in denial. Afterwards, they just repeat the things I told them made me depressed. It’s like what I said didn’t even matter. I don’t know what to do anymore. There’s more actually, but I’m too tired to think about it. Sometimes it feels like death is better than this.

    1. Avatar
      Mr abhi

      I really sympathise with you.I know exactly how you feel as I am facing the same problem.
      Only solution to this is-Start working if your are not and get you own place ,maybe the money will be less but you will get back you self esteem.Do nit forget you are unique and special and deserves the best in life.
      Good bless

  31. Avatar
    Aishwarya

    Some of the checklist is appliacable to me even. I am in college right now and am 22, still my parents want to know what time i leave college where i go,whom i meet. They never will allow me to see someone and always emotionally blackmaol me. They have not even allowed me to leave the campus and go visit the city. Nd always asking where i spend my money and upon what. Its frustrating. Calling at the randomest hours and if only i miss their call, they bombard my phone or worse call the admin to make sure even if i am in the college.

  32. Avatar
    Jake

    You left out one thing. Parents who always talk down at their son like they’re still only 8 years old Guilt-trip shaming and the age old adage of “perfection is mandatory” aka “do it right the first time or don’t do it at all.” My parents were too involved in everything I do from homework to what kind of friends I could hang out with.

  33. Avatar
    Grace

    My mother is all these points and it’s beyond frustrating. I’m 22 now and it seems she has just gotten worse. I cry myself to sleep every night because I feel I’m not good enough even though I do everything she asks. I’ve never forgotten to do one thing in my life. Her constant need to make me feel bad or call me mentally disabled(which I’m not) or point at the fact that just because I’m slightly behind in my studies, it’s most probably because I’m stupid. When I start dating, she criticizes everything I do and then blames it on the fact that I’m dating someone. I finally found someone who understands the crap I go through at home and I’m happy that he’s willing to stick with me through it all and still love me. I’ve resorted to self harm years ago and it lasted for a while. I don’t think I can go through that pain again of knowing that my suicide attempts just won’t work. I’m happy now and it’s not because of her. All I know is that once I move out, I’m cutting all ties with her permanently. I will not become the parent that she is. She treats me like a worthless human being. I take her feelings into consideration all the time cause I don’t want to hurt her. I can’t bear the thought of hurting someone but she’s making me become her by the way I’ve started to treat people that I care about, I don’t want to be like that. I can only hear how useless I am so many times. One thing I do know for sure, I am a complete and utter disappointment to her. And I’m tired.

  34. Avatar
    Jo Daniels

    I have been in a relationship with my significant other for about 8 months now. After some conversations, we both decided for me to move in with him. My parents (specifically my overbearing mother) think that I should get my own place first (which is pretty difficult to do considering NYC is already expensive enough), & suggested I look into those lottery housing programs (which can take months to even years. Folks that I have spoken to who went through that said they had to wait a LONG time). I was already set on moving in with my partner. I mentioned that we had come up with a written agreement & my mother told me that it’s “bullsh*t” & that I haven’t even met the landlord of my partner’s place yet. Thing is, I looked it up & not only is it perfectly legal to have a written agreement but my partner doesn’t even have to inform the landlady that I live there. Lots of folks have been doing this in NYC.

    I can’t seem to shake the fact that, even in my 30s, that not only have my parents lied to & manipulated me, but won’t accept the fact that I am an adult, that I am in love with someone who I want to build a life with, & that the nasty, curt, condescending remarks my mother has made in regards to my relationship, my partner (whom I have I have tried to have them meet but there is always an excuse) & moving out has angered & saddened me in a lot of ways-to the point that when I leave, there will be no going back.

    At this point, this relationship, which used to be good, has turned sour & toxic. It has stressed me out, made me cry in the middle of the night, & I can’t focus on work & my partner & I have been arguing over the most ridiculous things.

    I cannot say this any simpler: I’m done. I just want to be civil, pack my belongings in peace & leave in peace.

  35. Avatar
    Sunshine

    I am 34.

    My parents on the surface are wonderful. I grew up thinking they were monsters. I recognize that they had difficulties and challenges of their own as immigrants.

    I seem “successful” with pharmacy, masters, and medical doctor degrees behind my name (all of which my parents forced me to do).

    As a child, I completely disassociated from my thoughts and emotions. It’s called alexthymia. for three decades I was unaware of my internal environment , which allowed me to accomplish incredible things in profound pain.

    At 34, It is the coolest thing to all of a sudden have an awareness of an emotion! Like when I was conscious of being frustrated while waiting for my boyfriend to pick me up, I became super pumped and excited that I was aware of being frustrated! My parents forbid me to feel emotions, and only after I became ill with a deadly illness that the numb broken heart started to awaken to life!

    Overbearing parents also take away a child’s ability to trust their own intuition. This is caused great suffering and sexual, psychological, and career abuse. I married a very famous psychopath. The first day after our wedding I was afraid for my life, realizing that I had married a replica of my parents authoritative narcissistic OCPD personality.

    The good news is that after divorcing and becoming extremely ill, I woke up to life. Releasing trauma bonds is liberating and relieving. It requires a lot of meditation, journaling, getting in touch with spirit, releasing energy blockages, undoing PTSD, Studying boundaries and how to set them, moving away in two different cities so you have time to discover a new sense of self, and most importantly, create and discover your sense of self without codependent relationships. It’s tough. My parents fight me tooth and nail, and it helps incredibly to have a supportive boyfriend.
    Try reading up on energy vampires. Your parents will be good examples of them.

    Please everyone, learn to set boundaries and know that life should be enjoyable. It should not be shrouded in fear of your parents guilt shame and blame. I believe in you!! There are hard choices to make. There is hope on the other side!

  36. Avatar
    Barbara

    I’m afraid of my parents, because they basically control my life. They want me to go into the military, they want me to get out of the housee, and they even tell me what I should look like. And I hate them. So much that I’m changing my name fully. As a woman it’s hard for your parents to tell you to man up. I never tell them my passions or what I love because I’m afraid they’ll judge me. I want to move out of their house and start a new life. Even though I’m eighteen. My Mother is very manipulative and controlling and my Father is closed-minded. I have to listen to their conversation so I know what their feeling. I stay in my room because when my Mom gets angry, it gives me a shield to protect. I’m tired of my old life and how it follows me around and tells me what to do. And I’m tired of fear running my life. I just want to move out. I’m too afraid of telling my parents of what I feel or what I want.

  37. Avatar
    Jane D

    I am in my late twenties and still living with my parents. In our culture, it’s normal to stay with them until you get married. But, I cannot handle their controlling personality anymore. I cannot give our relationship a distance by moving out of the house, but still staying in the same city, because it is unusual here and they will notice something is wrong. The only way for me to give a distance is moving abroad. Even I had already planned (and half-successfully did) it by studying abroad and tried finding a job there, but at the last moment they managed to make me go back to my country in the pretense of saving up by staying under the same roof while searching for a job. Guess what, I am still living with them, currently unemployed, not even having my own room, because my father has a hoarding disorder that turns several rooms of our house into storage.

    My mother is the more manipulative type, unknowing to her. When I point out her mistake, she will guilt trip me, and sometimes cry in front of me (plus saying that it is a sin to make parents cry). She asks me if I am behaving like an adult by disobeying them, while they never want to listen to my opinion as an adult, because apparently they are always right. They never say sorry if they make mistake, even ones that are later proven. Once, when I was in high school I uttered my wanting to move to another school because I was bullied, but then my parents didn’t believe me. They asked me to talk to psychologist who was their acquaintance about my school problem, but to my disappointment, said psychologist sided with my parents.

    The thing is I understand why she acts like that, she is overprotective. She doesn’t want me hurt. But by doing that, it lowers my self-esteem. The moment I am not with them, I realize that I can do anything I want even I get hurt by doing so, but hey, that’s the process of learning, isn’t it. Frustratingly, she doesn’t see that.

    I have enough money save up under my account. It’s just a matter of time before I turn crazy and ‘run away’ from home.

    To everyone suffering the same problem, please do try to talk to them first. If they don’t understand you after that, then as painlessly as possible distance yourselves from them. I believe distance can be a remedy. You live your own life. You can survive it.

  38. Avatar
    Amanda

    My 15 year old did a Google search on controlling parents after we put some restrictions on her excessive & obsessive cell phone usage. This article came up therefore she believes her parents are narcissists 😂. I do hope that any children/teens that come across this article realize it’s intended for legal adults who have long moved out.

    1. Avatar
      unanimous

      Amanda, I am a 12-year-old girl. true some people may think that kids can overreact which we can in so many ways, and honestly only from what you wrote I can already tell you fit some of the categories of being a “narcissist” for example I have read other articles on this matter and it says that controlling parents often check their kids phones tablets and computers to figure out what they are doing, by knowing she went to this site invades your daughters personal privacy and I think she can feel what she wants.

      true you may not be a narcissist but still, would your daughter have ever come to this site if she felt upset in any way, it may not be generally directed to you, but something is wrong. try to talk to her, sometimes people around my age try to identify the way we are feeling because we secretly are confused, we need something to explain how we’re feeling, this article may fit some of the emotions she feels, so she might have directly pinned her emotions on this feeling she might get some comfort, and about the cell phone addiction, you may think its just fun to be online and on social media, (which it is) but since kids and teenagers are legally not allowed to do drugs, this is the only alternative, it helps us relax, explore, and it takes our minds of the bad stuff, I say all of this off of personal experience, some kids resort to just trying to forget these weird things going on. i understand it would be frustrating to you if you found your daughter on a site like this, but sometimes, we feel the way we feel.

      I know you might not ever see this but for the record, here’s some advice.
      talk to your daughter.
      Don’t try to fix her emotions, even though their broken.
      try some outdoor things, or find something of interest that she can do alone to lessen online usage.

      And lastly, let your daughter has her own business, emotions, and overall, she’s gonna feel what she freaking wants to until this blows over and if you try to change that it makes it so much worse, have empathy for her and just listen for once, also when you “laughed” that your daughter though, that is rude and saying it on a social media website is embarrassing for her and you embarrassed yourself as well, these issues are real and don’t ignore them. and this article is to help kids, not adults.
      please consider what I have said.
      now for your daughter, if you see this please tell her that someone is here praying for her, that I care, and that is in the same situation and I understand, tell her she’s beautiful and it will get better.

      sincerely,
      hopefull. in America.

  39. Avatar
    Advice?

    We all need some professional help… anyone with solid advice please add.. I got most of my stuff on here too.. I’m 26.. I lived overseas for a year and everything stopped but I cannot work there! lol… advice, please!

    1. Avatar
      Younganddumb

      I’m 26 too. i have a very controlling mother and I still live at home with her. I think the best advice I can think of is to live on your own wherever that may be. Just be safe. I’m regret living with her for so long because I was scared to live on myself and struggle to pay bills. But I can’t live here anymore, i need my freedom and I have to start living MY life, not the life she wants me to live. I think that’s the best thing for you too.

  40. Avatar
    Fabian

    I feel destroyed. During school and Uni I was strictly disallowed from going to see any of my friends, staying over, going to school picnics or events or going out to play in the park. My letters were always opened. My closets were randomly checked for god knows what. I had no privacy. My phone calls were listened into. My parents told me who I could and could not befriend. Due to this behaviour of their’s I could only ever manage to find one friend who would ‘understand’ my parents controlling nature and still stick with me…and he even today gets blamed for everything by my parents. They love to hate him. At 27 I was forcibly married to a girl my parents chose. Things never worked well as my mother was too intervening in my marriage even telling us when to have babies etc. Eventually the marriage broke down and so did my mental state. I ran away to another country to escape my parents. I’m now 38…my parents have told everyone that I’m a bad son…that I dont come back to live with them to help them during their old age. If I don’t call them for 2 days, they call me and tell me they are worried something might have happened. My mother tries to manipulate me emotionally as always. I am under extreme pressure now to ‘return to homeland, live with my ageing parents and care for them’. But it is not a life I want and certainly not with that set of controlling parents who ruined my life and thanks to whom today at 38 I have no partner, no kids as we only just managed to secure my divorce after a really long court battle. During this time I also had a major heart attack but survived. I just feel so empty now.

  41. Avatar
    James

    Most of these fit my parents, I’m 16. My dad is the perfectionist, he always says he wants me to have fun and make friends, but doesn’t let me have any personal space. Everything i do is closely monitored, Every 5 or so minutes they walk into my room checking to see if Im doing homework or studying ahead. He wont let me have any free time to myself. They control basically everything in my life, including making my “bed time” which is usually around 6-7pm. I’m sure you can see how this would limit my ‘spending time with friends’ and all the other stuff they say. Any free moment i have and ask to do anything, they immediately respond with “imagine if you studied ahead!” or something else, if i ignore this and continue to do what i want, they throw a temper tantrum and walk back in their room and start yelling about how disappointing and disrespectful I am, making sure i hear. If my grades drop at all they take everything i have, even if it impedes my work. Whenever they get confronted with this from anyone they put on a face and pretend i’m exaggerating I am highly tempted to get a job and apply for part-time next year (senior year high school), work till i can buy a used car with some money saved up, as soon as i graduate with a diploma I leave. I hope that if i get a ride to work and do a $9 per hour job I can work for around 5 hours a day, week days, along with selling a good portion of my stuff, i can save enough. If i can’t do this what should i do?

  42. Avatar
    Eric

    My parents had to be in control of their children or they put us on a guilt trip! They were stingy and petty with money when it came to their kids. Spending money on themselves was no problem and they went on vacation without their kids which was a relief because we didn’t have to deal with them. They were demanding and unreasonable, challenging them could result in being physically assaulted by them. When they passed away, we could not have been more happier! No more dealing with their crap was great!

  43. Avatar
    Lara

    I am sorry to hear all of this! The best way is to distance yourselves from these kinds of parents and ignore them and do what you have to do!

  44. Avatar
    Alexis

    My name is Alexis. I am 27 yrs old, my mom is very controlling over my life as an adult. I do well for myself, I’m very independent and self sufficient, I have my own place, car, etc, with no help form my mom or anyone else. I’m a single parent to a 6 year old with autism, I have no help from his father so I have to depend on my mom for help with childcare(which she gets paid for), heres the problem, my mom has been controlling my entire life but as an adult it has gotten worse. She puts me down constantly saying that I dont do enough, insinuates that im doing bad things, puts down my friends saying that I hang with the wrong people, gets mad when I dont let give her money, tells me how to spend my own money I earn, calls me constantly several times a day, shames and harasses me when i go somewhere by myself, is constantly at my house all the times and gets mad when I ask her to leave so I can have time to myself. I dont know what to do I feel like a prisoner of my own life, but i still need to depend on her for childcare because I have none else and she knows that, Im so depressed, She doesnt respect the boundaries that I set for her!

    1. Avatar
      Eric

      Sounds like my late parents! I know that just telling her to back off is not going to happen. Start doing the same things to her what she does to you, then tell her that when she gets very old that you will be picking her nursing home. As for childcare, get someone other than her to take care of your child.

  45. Avatar
    ZoeUnfamous

    I’m going to be 18 next month… The thing is that I’m scared because if I do something I want to or following my dreams they’d be like “What an adult you’re becoming??…now you think you can do anything you want??..” much or less I feel so irritated or sad when I returned “home” ,, it’s like I don’t belong here.. I can’t wear blouse and jeans because they see it like I’m wearing a bikini even though the blouse is long enough and the jeans are not tight .. No Sleepovers at my only one friend who lives with only her Mom..No hangout with my only friend and not allowed to go anywhere other than my boring high school. Not allowed to eat snacks and food I want.. Not allowed to leave the house without wearing black Leggings on BS dresses or Uniforms …no shorts or legs and arms allowed. No career that I want and I can’t go out of the house without having hair tied up…and also no walking in the house…but I’m allowed to have 2 turtles…. I’m 17 but after being 18 next month nothing is Going to change and on top of that No Birthday Parties for Me and going to Others… and they blame to become an introvert and give unresponsive behaviour to everyone and now I’m gonna lose my only friend because she can’t with all of this with me… Even I can’t so I understand her… I feel I’m gonna have to marry off to get away from here and then I should divorced after I build my own Fucking home.. Help

  46. Avatar
    Matilda

    My name is Matilda and I am 12 what do I do, I just tried to pull all of these tips but none of them worked. My parents have unreasonable expectations for my grades and after school work. They want everything to be in the right spot and I am not allowed to hang out with any guys. They are always involved in everything such as, if I share a common dislike in one of my teachers, they will go out of their way and email the teacher to make the teacher dislike me even more. Or things like I am not allowed to go more than 100 ft away from my house by myself. Even the bus stop in the morning. There needs to be a parent or teacher EVERYWHERE. I am so tired of this and I seriously cannot deal with this any longer. I need help. Please.

    1. Panagiotis Karamitsos
      Panagiotis Karamitsos

      Matilda, you are so young. 12 years old?? What kind of guys do you want to go out at this age? Maybe you should listen to your parents for a few more years. Maybe you can try to make some small changes but do not expect a big change. I suggest you not to hurry, many things you want right now will stop happening in the next 5-6 years. 🙂

  47. Avatar
    C F

    30 year olf guy with autism here. My dad wants aircon all the day and I wanted to turn off after 4 hours. But he refused. We might pay more electricity than expected.

    Why!? He is manipulating me, causing obstacles and manipulations, testhing parent-child relationships, might cause hardships and issues over again.

  48. Avatar
    MJ

    Im 19 and I have a different situation. I came to America from India 4 years back as an exchange student. My host mother back then decided to sponsor for my education in America and she has been taking care of me since 2017. I completely rely on her for my education. She thinks since she provides me financially, she can control me in every aspect of my life. When I tried to confront her once, she threatened me to send back to India and also said I was being an “ungrateful brat”. Ever since then I had stopped having talks about this topic and started dancing to her tunes. Im so suffocated that it has lead me to depression and cutting. Im stuck in this hell and it feels like I can do nothing about it. please help.

  49. Avatar
    Vani

    Ok I understand if you’re under 18. You’re parents just want the best for you. If you’re under 18 you should do your best to listen to what they tell you do and just pray that when you turn 18 you can move out. Im 23 and my parents are still controlling me. my parents play the emotional mind game. My mom plays the guilt trip when she wants something her way. and my dad makes fun of you, calls you names, and acts as if its set in stone, when you do something he doesn’t like. If I do something wrong, i get the silent treatment, i don’t get dinner, i get taken out of the will, they gonna kick me out, they throw away my belongings. They will do anything for me to date the guy they want, pick the school they want, spend the money i earned, go to the places they want, talk to who they want me to talk to, dress they want me to dress, i mean wtf am i freaking barbie doll or am a human?There’s only a few times when i need to be treated like a barbie doll and definitely not by my parents. My parents are just little tokoroths, demon posessed husks of little children. anyways, for those under 18, just plan your school, career, and save your money and get the hell out of there! Because when you get older, the controlling only gets worse! And for those older than me, thank you for you feedback. It only reinforced my idea, of what i know i need to do. Which is run like the wind and don’t look back. It’s nice to know that there are other people suffering from manipulative parents as well as me.

    And im not just saying it without having done the whole 9 yards. we argued before. i left. i cussed them out. they changed locks on the door. i felt bad for them. i pitied for them. i sympathized with them. Now thats where I went wrong.
    The most wrong part of this article is about empathize with them. DO NOT SYMPATHIZE WITH YOUR ABUSER. if they start to think you feel bad for them or understand them, then the grip will grow tighter. a manipulator plays to win, not for fun! so don’t play with them.
    and for those of you trying to tell others about their own lives, please do get a life. because you’re not living their life and you have no idea what they are going through. offer support and advice but you’re in no position to be a commander. okay.

  50. Avatar
    scott

    I’m 16 and my parents think they own me. They caught me buying drugs but I only done it bc I just want to escape, I feel like I’m living a life that isn’t mine you know? I can never make any decisions on my own, my parents monitor me 24/7. They literally made me a schedule on what I have to do in the day, my dad even said its just like a jail because he used to be a cop. Even before they caught me they always made choices and spoke for me in decisions I should have made. I’m pretty sure I’m depressed but what can I do I can’t even decide that on my own. Help please 🙁

  51. Avatar
    alex

    my parents force me to do work and they say i “can chose” but if I chose what they don’t want they take stuff away and now I am afraid to express my opinion and I have a 79 in math and they take away riding the bus [witch is the only time I get to see one ove my friends] and if were doing something I have know say in it wat so ever and one time I was eating and I was sitting in my chare but then my sister says can we switch seats I want to say no but I know my parents will make me switch regardless of what I think so I stay silent then my dad says if you say nothin you will sit there and for me my parents controling me is the worst because I see my cusen my friends all get beater treat meant and I don’t have a say in anything. I am going get 2 Christmas presents because “I wasn’t obedient” and hw things are looking now I might not get any so I wanted to spend my own money but they wont let me wich is silly because that is mony I earned and I have 345 dolers in my bank account and I cant spend money I have saved to spend aside from the 345 dolers as soon as I become 18 I am kissing this house good by o and my mom and dad also make me feel guilty so I will agree.

  52. Avatar
    Scoobydoo

    All this is fine and dandy,but it still doesn’t fix damge done by all forms of abuse(I do mean ALL). Apparently some of you still don’t get the point,…-Some scars can NEVER be mended or repaired,only accepted like it or not(NOT in my case).

  53. Avatar
    Lacey

    My father and I have always had a rough relationship, and I can understand why he does what he does. But, it’s the little things that build up. I am a 15 year old girl, and yet he feels the need to child lock all of my devices, know where I am at all time, and never let me leave the house. He’s sick, he has cancer, and he’s crippled, so I take care of him, he’s constantly in pain, and I do almost everything for him. He can still walk, talk, and be normal. He has the ability to do that. He doesn’t let me leave the house, ever, to ever hang out with the little friends I have, he doesn’t allow me to go into town, he doesn’t allow me to have more than four hours of time of my laptop. He doesn’t even allow me to dye my hair, or buy black clothing.
    He’s such a perfectionist, and he threatens me constantly with things he knows I want. He keeps talking about responsibility and how he needs to trust me to buy a car. He loves the threaten, because he says it’s the only way to get me to do what he needs to be done. And if I don’t do it perfectly, he’ll scream and tell at me until it is perfect. He feels the need to take my devices at night, even though I cannot use them because of the child locks. He has no trust in me whatsoever, and no matter what I do, it is never good enough for him. I have to get the perfect grades, takes care of him, do the house chores perfectly, heck, I even have to tuck him in at night. And he keeps saying, that he’s doing it to benefit me, but everytime I bring up that I don’t like something, he gets angry and just locks everything up in the gunsafe he bought because he doesn’t trust me enough to keep it out. He has camera’s all around the house to watch me, and he’s always paranoid that’s I’ll turn on him. I can’t stand. But I really don’t know what to do.

  54. Avatar
    michaella

    these fit my mom perfectly my dad is more nice my parents are split different states and houses my dad come to visit every once and a while i miss him

  55. Avatar
    Zuri

    I’m Zuri, a 16 year old junior in high school. My godmother, yep my godmother gives me relapsing anxiety and frequent guilt trips about my everyday routine. She constantly criticizes on how I operate no matter how much I change my ways and make it as efficient as possible and whenever I try to speak to her about these things she will always say: “I’m not fussing at you, I’m just trying to make you a better man.” I hear it most of the times I have conversations with her which makes me pretty annoyed but I don’t know how to explain to her that I’m doing better without her trailing me and directing me to do something because it stresses me out at a high level which evolves into anxiety and by then I just get overwhelmed from the constant critiques I receive from her which then causes me to shut down. She always says that she doesn’t mind me doing stuff with my friends, but as soon as I make one miniscule mistake, she’s back at criticizing my decisions and what I do with them. I became severely depressed around 2 years ago and because the way she is ( I forgot to mention she had been in the military for 12 years), I could really never tell her my full synopsis because she will try to erect a solution to my problems which really never helped my issue. My mom got me a therapist around this year and sometimes my godmother will join my sessions and we discuss our relationship which I feel, my therapist isn’t really hearing where I’m coming from on my side of the story. Don’t get me wrong, my godmother is very apparent of that I’m like a second son to her and we have good moments whenever we go out to eat or go shopping at the local malls in my city but aside from these things, I feel like the emotional relationship isn’t fully there which makes me continue to wonder how will my life be after high school or when I potentially have children. I don’t want my current relationship with her to bleed into my adult years tarnishing future golden moments with her. I really hope I find solutions to this issue.

  56. Avatar
    summer

    Hi I’m Summer and I’m 15. My parents don’t let me have social media and are always checking on me in my room and making sure I’m always doing something and they don’t let me have anytime to myself and when I am talking on the phone they will come in and take away my TV and my music and my nail polish and a bunch of other silly things just because my room wasn’t the cleanest at that time and they won’t give me my phone back for months and they r always in my space and when I try to talk to them they don’t listen and think I’m making to big of a deal out of things when I tell them how I feel. How can I get them to trust me and how can I get them to listen to me.

  57. Avatar
    Joyenne Ross

    I’m 14 years old, I live with my Dad and his wife and her daughter. I believe they are controlling, they have my step-sister and me on a schedule. Since I am writing this during the whole COVID-19 outbreak we have no school. We have to wake up at 8 am and do schoolwork until 11:00. Then, we have to go outside and exercise. We can only eat from 12 to 12:30 for lunch. Then we have to do more schoolwork and get off at three. If I am not the top person in school then they tell me I’m a failure. I don’t like ordering in restaurants but I will, but when I am with them they order it like I’m a child that can’t speak. My mother bought me a phone and they weren’t very happy about it but they couldn’t do anything, so every day they go through my phone, making sure that I’m not doing anything I’m supposed to. They’ll go searching on what I look up on Google, what’s on my camera roll, what I watch on Youtube, who I talk to on my phone, and the apps I have on it. We have a bedtime, which is fine by me, but some of their rules are ridiculous. We can’t be on our electronics but they will be on their’s every day, all day. Children have no say on what we do or any of the rules. If we try to tell them anything that they said is wrong they will say, “We are the parents,” or “We are adults.” My mother is the complete opposite of them but they always say that’s bad parenting but who knows.

  58. Avatar
    G

    These are literally my parents!

  59. Avatar
    Jake

    I am still quiet young, only 14 years old but I fell like my parents have captured my life and put me in a box so that I can’t do anything that I desire that is outside of what they want. They download apps through which they can see every activity happening on my devices. I am not allowed YouTube or any games that my friend play and those sites are banned for me. Their reasons are that I am not scoring well in the exams (I do try to get good scores in my examination however I cannot) . Whenever I try telling them this, they start counting how much money they have spent on my education and tuitions. I simply do not know what to do. I just want to be able to do whatever I want without them tracking me..

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