{"id":20801,"date":"2016-11-09T11:50:53","date_gmt":"2016-11-09T08:50:53","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.lifeadvancer.com\/?p=20801"},"modified":"2016-11-09T11:50:53","modified_gmt":"2016-11-09T08:50:53","slug":"improve-your-relationship-using-mindfulness","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lifeadvancer.com\/improve-your-relationship-using-mindfulness\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Improve Your Relationship with the Help of Mindfulness"},"content":{"rendered":"
If it would have been a few months ago I wouldn\u2019t have noticed how her shoulders or her gaze dropped as she mentioned her cat. Instead, I would have been waiting for it to be my turn and started in on a topic close to my heart \u2013 like sports or travel.<\/p>\n
The night would have ended like so many others, with me having no clue what had gone wrong. We wouldn\u2019t have connected and she wouldn\u2019t have agreed to see me again.<\/p>\n
So, instead of talking about myself, I ask her what\u2019s wrong with her cat. I can immediately see she\u2019s impressed. I almost feel myself shift on the scales of her regard. The question ends up unlocking the date. She talks about how her cat hasn\u2019t been well and how she\u2019s really worried. I empathize.<\/p>\n
She opens up.<\/p>\n
We only talk about the cat for 15 minutes, but the goodwill it created carries over into the rest of the night<\/strong>. Our conversation becomes less stilted and flows more easily. The silences shift from being uncomfortable to being natural pauses as we enjoy each other\u2019s company.<\/p>\n After dessert, we head to a bar. Her eyes sparkle. My heart beats a little faster. We\u2019re not even talking about when we\u2019ll meet again as neither of us wants this meeting to end.<\/p>\n How did I get better at dating? Did I read a lot of second date tips? Sure, but they didn\u2019t really help. What did it for me was practicing mindfulness<\/strong>. I started working on becoming more aware of myself, my emotions<\/a> and my surroundings.<\/p>\n It\u2019s not always been easy, but it\u2019s been worth it! It taught me how to get a second date, but it doesn\u2019t end there. It has improved my life in so many other ways as well. You don\u2019t need to take my word for it either. It isn\u2019t just me that swears by mindfulness. In fact, the scientific jury has come in and they\u2019ve come down in favor of mindfulness to an overwhelming degree.<\/p>\n And, of course, it\u2019s been shown that it can be beneficial and can\u00a0improve your relationship\u00a0as well.\u00a0But then, how could it not?<\/p>\n It means you\u2019re more in the moment, more aware of your surroundings, more capable of understanding your emotions and where they come from, as well as better able to understand what other people are feeling.<\/p>\n In fact, mindfulness has been shown to boost our emotional intelligence<\/a>, which is our ability to understand other people\u2019s emotions<\/a> and our own. And that is obviously going to help if you want to improve your relationship.<\/p>\n It certainly helped me. I\u2019ve gone \u2013 to bring back one of my favorite topics \u2013 from striking out to hitting home runs, with three out of my four most recent dates leading to a second one. (Yes, that\u2019s right, you can be more mindful and still love sports. I haven\u2019t suddenly turned into somebody who wants to shave their head, burn incense and wear pajamas all the time!<\/em>)<\/p>\n Sounds pretty good, right? So how did I get here? And, more importantly, how can you? That question, in particular, will be the focus of this second-date advice article.<\/p>\n For many of you, this will be a relief: I didn\u2019t start with meditation.<\/p>\n I mean, everybody says it\u2019s a really great way to get better at being more mindful, but it struck me as a step too far. It turns out you don\u2019t have to start there either. There are plenty of other ways to practice your mindfulness with the purpose to\u00a0improve your relationship.<\/p>\n Your breathing is a great way to center yourself and calm yourself down. If you\u2019re feeling stressed it\u2019s going to speed up. If you then take a bit of time to calm it down again, you\u2019ll be able to stop thinking about what is stressing you out and calm not just your breathing but yourself as well.<\/p>\n And that will, for example, let you shed that discomfort that you so often feel when you first meet somebody for a romantic evening. From there \u2013 instead of having your anxiety clanging like church bells in your head \u2013 you\u2019ll be able to relax and really pay attention to them<\/strong>.<\/p>\n From there you can stop thinking about \u2018me\u2019 and start thinking about \u2018us\u2019.<\/p>\n You know those moments when you would normally grab for your phone \u2013 not because you\u2019re expecting it to tell you anything new, but because there is an empty space to fill? Don\u2019t. I swear, sometimes it feels like phones were created with the sole purpose of destroying mindfulness.<\/p>\n Instead, fill that moment with opening yourself up to the world around you. Try to catch something that would normally have slipped beneath your consciousness. Are there any interesting smells, or sounds? Is there something to see that you hadn\u2019t noticed before? How is your posture? Don\u2019t just focus on one thing either. Try to take in as much as possible.<\/p>\n Practice this often enough and it will become automatic<\/strong>. This, in turn, will allow you to pick up on a lot more signals that other people are sending out and thereby become better at reading other people and the situation that you\u2019re in. That, by the way, was how I noticed that she was worried about her cat<\/strong>.<\/p>\n As often as possible, bring yourself back to the moment. Start by practicing this when you\u2019re alone. Instead of allowing your mind to wonder, focus on what\u2019s going on. Become aware of the little things. What does the apple actually taste like? How do your clothes feel as they rub against you as you walk?<\/p>\n In the beginning, these moments won\u2019t last very long, but if you keep doing it again, and again it will become easier and last longer. Bring yourself back to the moment whenever you notice that you\u2019re distracted and pay attention to what you\u2019re feeling, seeing and experiencing.<\/p>\n Then take it into your dates with you. This means you don\u2019t spend the time the other person is talking thinking of what you\u2019re going to say. Instead, you actually listen to what they\u2019re saying. Then, when it\u2019s your turn to talk, let your response naturally flow forth<\/strong> from where they left off.<\/p>\n This is what they call \u2018Mindful speech\u2019<\/em>.<\/p>\n This one sounds pretty abstract, but it isn\u2019t. It\u2019s, in fact, perfectly logical. You can\u2019t be your thoughts and your emotions, as they\u2019re constantly changing, coming and going. You, in the meantime, remain the same<\/strong>.<\/p>\n So why is this important?<\/p>\n Only when you can accept you\u2019re not your thoughts and emotions can you take a step back and insert conscious thought between the stimulus and the response. And that is vitally important, as it means you\u2019re not going to get carried away. And so, when I meet a classy woman who seems out of my league, my nervousness doesn\u2019t throw my brain on tilt anymore.<\/p>\n Instead, I take a step back from my nervousness, recognize it for what it is and let it go<\/strong>. That way I don\u2019t blow a fantastic romantic opportunity in the first few seconds.<\/p>\n Now, I\u2019m not saying this will be easy. Quite often, for example, it\u2019s nice to be angry<\/a> and letting it go is the far harder thing to do. Still, it\u2019s the right thing to do<\/strong>.<\/p>\n And so, practice. It will become easier over time. It will be well worth it, not just to improve your relationship or to get you a second date, but in lots of other areas as well. If you\u2019re ruminating, you\u2019ll be able to simply let it go. If you\u2019re frustrated, you can let it go.<\/p>\nSo What Changed?<\/h3>\n
Mindfulness has, to name but a few, been shown<\/a> to be good for:<\/h5>\n
\n
How to Become More Mindful<\/h3>\n
Here are some of the ways you can start out:<\/h3>\n
1. Pay attention to your breathing \u2013 particularly when you\u2019re emotional.<\/h4>\n
2. Take moments to focus on what would normally pass you by.<\/h4>\n
3. Learn to be in the moment.<\/h4>\n
4. Accept that you are not your thoughts and emotions.<\/h4>\n
Keep going<\/h3>\n