Passive-aggressive behavior is probably not new to you. You must have experienced unresolved feelings after someone completely ignored you. When passive-aggressive behavior rears its ugly head in a relationship, it can have disastrous effects.
So what is this unwanted treatment, and what are its signs? Most importantly, how would you deal with it before it shatters your relationship?
What Is Passive-Aggressive Behavior?
Passive-aggressive behavior is an indirect expression of anger or hostility. People who are passive-aggressive will take their time to do tasks. They may also become stubborn and refuse to do as told.
A passive-aggressive person does things to get results that you wouldn’t want. The aim of this is to irritate those who anger them.
Why People Become Passive-Aggressive?
Why might your partner suddenly become passive-aggressive? He or she may have a mix of social and personal reasons for throwing sullen tantrums.
First of all, expressing anger isn’t socially acceptable. People learn from a young age that it’s necessary to ‘hide’ feelings so that they can get along. Also, it’s an indirect form of self-expression. It’s just simpler to give a cold shoulder than to communicate displeasure in a thoughtful, healthy way.
Furthermore, it’s a subtle method of getting revenge. Your partner may forget to turn up at a party because the absence would embarrass you. Another reason people choose to behave like this because it’s convenient. Your partner usually attends to your requests to fix leaky drain pipes or take out the trash. However, feeling irritated about work may provoke the cold shoulder.
Effects of Passive Aggression
Passive-aggressive behavior can create rifts in relationships. It creates a fear of closeness and leaves the ignored party feeling isolated.
This behavior may affect the mental health of children as well. Kids may see it as normal and treat their friends the same way. Furthermore, the tension and mixed messages they pick up may cause them to develop anxiety issues. They may fear to extend their trust to others.
Signs of Passive-Aggressive Behavior in a Relationship
How would you know that your partner is ignoring you, or just too busy to speak to you? Here are some ways to tell the difference.
1.. The Cold Shoulder
First of all, if your partner intends to ignore you, he or she would do so over a period. He or she would usually speak to you once a free moment is available.
2. Snide Remarks
Your partner will also use sarcasm. For example, he or she would say, ‘Thanks for doing the dishes,‘ when you didn’t do them yet. He or she does this to force you to behave in the way they want.
3. Put-downs
Another way your partner may show passive-aggressive behavior is to put you down in front of others. He or she seeks to gain the upper hand in the relationship by making you feel small.
4. Backhanded compliments
You’ll know that your partner’s sarcastic when he or she says, ‘You look so slim in that pair of jeans,‘ when about half a dozen other people feel otherwise. This lack of support can create deep rifts in your relationship.
5. Not Being Supportive
Finally, he or she may refuse to help you in reaching your goals. If becoming a chef is your dream, he or she may tell you how bad your cooking is.
Manage Passive-Aggressive Behavior Before It Ruins Your Relationship
All’s not lost when you notice passive-aggressive behavior. Use the following strategies to control it before it creates kinks in your relationship.
First of all, refuse to accommodate the behavior. Don’t practice tit for tat and behave passive-aggressively like your partner, or there’s no room for communication.
Then, point out your partner’s anger in a simple, matter of fact way. Say ‘It seems that you’re mad at me because I couldn’t come home for dinner today.’ Do this without making any judgment that will prolong the quarrel.
Also, your partner will deny that he or she is angry, but you shouldn’t argue with him or her in the heat of the moment. Leave him or her with the idea that you understand her anger and that you’re ready to discuss it.
This approach not only creates room for discussion but also shows your partner that he or she cannot become passive-aggressive to solve issues.
In all, passive-aggressive behavior doesn’t work wonders for a relationship, but you can limit it if you recognize its signs.
Passive aggressive people are just bullies in a silent form. With all PA personalities, there is usually a big ego attached. If you think you can change it or accommodate them, you are mistaken. You cannot change another person. Walk away from them. They are emotional vampires who will suck you dry,
A sincere confession…
I am a passive aggressive male
Before we were married, I bowed, against my wife’s wishes, to my my mother’s and sister’s directions to have a “formal” wedding. They invited cousins, aunts, and others to the wedding.Nobody on my wife’s side were able to attend.
We were married in a church that was not of my wife’s choosing. I chose a local church that we had no history of attending. My wife wanted to marry in the church that we attended.
On our honeymoon, I squealed “gotta have room, give me room” in the bed may wife paid for. The item that crowded me turned out to be a pillow.
My wife wanted to go to New York our honeymoon, and I said no. Said it was too hot there. We went to south Florida instead, were the heat was even hotter.
During the honeymoon, my wife wanted to go to a famous water show that she attended when she was young. I did not want to wait one day for the rain to stop so we could see it.
My wife asked me to drive her back from an outpatient surgery. I bailed at the last minute and she had to drive herself.
My wife had another outpatient surgery and I went home to eat during the surgery. I was not there if something happened.
She was there for me when I needed her for medical issues.
We bought a lesser house together, while my wife found a much better home in a different neighborhood that was a better buy financially.
I made the decision to fix the house up nice, when my wife’s idea was to just paint it and move in. Her idea would have been the most prudent.
My wife had separate bank accounts, and I made us consolidate, against her wishes, the multiple accounts. I now have separate accounts for various monies.
My wife wants a regular drive way (like everyone else) into our house, and I insist on a pigtail into the home. We have had the pigtail for years.
My wife wants a cover for our cars, but I say we cannot afford (see below)
I insist we buy a piece of property. My wife tells me how much we should pay. I pay 2 1/2 times as much. In another, I buy a piece of property that she does not want to buy. I insist and purchase anyway.
In the above transactions, she tells me it is time for her turn to make a decision. I say yes it is, but am going to do it anyway because it is a good deal.
Ate with my wife and daughter zero times, but ate with many family members at the table a lot of times.
Daughter baked me my favorite cake, but did not taste it.
Wife baked me a birthday cake, and I did not touch it.
At a local restaurant, I was rude by making out the food was bad. Showing out that I did not want to be there.
Respectfully, you are cutting off your nose to spite your face. And you are causing people who love you to withdraw their love and respect from you. Even good, kind, and loving people will grow tired of your antics because your antics show that you do not love or care about other people. Since you are aware of what you’re doing I hope you get therapy to stop your self-sabotaging behavior. Life isn’t about one-upping people who love you. And life is not a competition against your own family members.
Anyway, you gave me insight into my own husband’s behavior. He always has to have control, the final say, and has to be the winner in every decision. Some of his final decisions are ridiculous and the worst choice imaginable. He doesn’t care as long as he wins. He too cuts off his nose to spite his face and now sadly our children see him for who he is and distance themselves from him. He’s shown himself to not be reliable, dependable, or fair. I too distance myself. His behavior is far too damaging for any normal person to survive. Frankly, I’m uneasy around him because every interaction is unpleasant, bizarre, and illogical. I feel as if I look at him through a telescope – I keep my distance but am secretly sad for him to see how he destroyed his life and ours with pettiness, competitiveness, sulking, the silent treatment, and controlling behavior. The saddest part is I can do nothing about it. Reasoning with him, being kind, being direct and honest don’t work. Instead we are forced to watch a person who thinks he has control have no control at all. It’s all very pathetic.