You’re scared silly when it comes to having Sunday Dinner with your overbearing parents, and dread the off-the-cuff, critical remarks they make. You’re not alone.
You shouldn’t fear your parents since you’re an adult. But it’s hard to deal with their tight control, even after decades. If you’re uncomfortable with how yours relate to you, you’ll find this article useful.
All of us are familiar with helicopter parents who micromanage their children, even after they’ve grown. But what makes them tick?
Some parents are overbearing because they grew up in a highly-controlled environment themselves. Helicopter parents may have experienced the pain of being overly-managed themselves.
Others are narcissists who manipulate their children just because they have the authority to do so. They believe in the “My Way or the Highway’ philosophy and expect everyone, including their kids, to subscribe to it.
You may not realize that you have overbearing parents if you’re used to them. But here are the signs they have crossed your boundary.
Tiger parents often expect their children to meet unreasonable demands and standards. These parents have high expectations of their kids but don’t explain the way to fulfill them. Furthermore, they often become unsettled if their children fail to meet them. Knowingly or otherwise, they set their children up for failure.
Indeed, helicopter parents are perfectionists. They are rigid and issue unreasonable ultimatums should you not do what they want.
Some parents believe that tough love is the way to prepare their children for a rough future. If your parents gave you such love, you might think that their harsh treatment benefited you.
All is well if it builds resilience, but the opposite may occur. A lack of affirmation may cause self-blame and breakdowns.
Pushy parents want a say in every aspect of their children’s lives – their careers, finances, and even relationships. They will contact you all the time lest you mix with the ‘wrong crowd’ and put you on guilt trips for not complying.
Also, these parents will guard your love selfishly. They will prevent you from meeting your friends and may even use force to gain your obedience. They will also restrict financial help should you need it.
You’ll also find them communicating with others on your behalf, making it seem as though you cannot make decisions yourself.
Parents who have too much say in their children’s lives tend to burden them with too many responsibilities. It can seem as though the children’s lives aren’t their own.
Pushy parents will not understand that you sometimes need to be alone with your friends or significant other. They typically insist on being around when they are not supposed to be. Don’t be surprised to find these parents at the restaurant where you’re having dinner with your friends.
Passive-aggressiveness involves displays of subtle yet hurtful behaviors. For example, pushy parents will refuse to speak with you if you associate with friends that have not earned their stamp of approval.
Also, they wouldn’t have much time for small talk or explanations for how you do things. You’ll never do things as well as they want you to.
Having a parent who hovers over you all the time can feel as though you are wearing an ankle monitor. But it can have some advantages.
It isn’t easy to tell your parents that they push too hard. You may not be able to get them to change their ways, but there are a few things you can do to make your life easier.
We grow up seeking approval, affirmation, and even love from our parents. Your parents have earned the credit for making you the incredible person you are. Of course, their approval and love are one of your topmost priorities.
That said, always pandering to their feelings can prevent you from making sensible decisions yourself. Do realize that you don’t need them to affirm you all the time. Recognizing that you have an irrational need to please them will help you to relate to them.
Just being angry with your parents will not serve you well. The anger stops you from moving forward and drains your energy. Tell them that they have crossed your boundaries, using words that are not too harsh.
A sad reality is that money puts people in positions of authority. Adult children often seek their parents’ help for housing, student, or business loans. Parents use these to maintain their holds over them. Try not to depend on your parents for financial support if they are manipulative.
Overbearing or manipulative parents often put their adult children on guilt trips to get them to toe their line. They make their grown kids feel ashamed of past behaviors.
Recognize when they are resorting to emotional blackmail. On that note, try not to share too many details of your life with them, lest they use your secrets against you.
Get the skills necessary to deal with your overbearing parents. A workshop on assertiveness training may be in order if you find it difficult to be appropriately assertive to them. Remind yourself that you are an adult, and look for examples of how to respond to verbal abuse.
Abusive behaviors always trigger emotional responses. They’re understandable but hardly help relationships to progress.
Commit to reading books or articles on dealing with controlling parents. You may also discuss your situation with a trusted counselor. At some point, you may even want to sit your parents down for a friendly talk.
The Universe gave you your parents for a reason, and overbearing as they are, they helped make the beautiful person that you are. Acknowledging this contribution will allow you to accept them, your situation, and yourself.
Difficult as it is, you can set boundaries for your overbearing parents and regain control of your life. It takes a conscious effort but will liberate you.
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