How to Stop Being Insecure in a Relationship and 5 Causes of Insecurities

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A low self-esteem can destroy the bond you have with another. The good news is, you can learn how to stop being insecure in a relationship.

Believe it or not, insecurities are a big reason why relationships fail. You may not think you’re being insecure, but signs prove different. If you find yourself stressed about whether your mate will leave you or if they are betraying you when you’re not around, then yes, you are insecure about where you stand in the relationship. If you want to know how to stop being insecure in a relationship these ways, you have to look within.

How to stop being insecure

To understand how to stop being insecure in a relationship, you will need to do some introspection. In this case, you will have to find a way to reach these issues and learn how to heal from them. Let’s examine how to start from this point and annihilate insecurities.

1. Preserve your independence

One intelligent thing to do is to keep your independence within the relationship. In order to learn how to stop being insecure in a relationship, you must remember to have a life outside the partnership. Now, I don’t mean living a life that disrespects your partner, rather, having outside hobbies or keeping in touch with your own friends.

Being financially independent is also important, as you will always have a way to take care of yourself if you need to. You should never lose yourself in a relationship no matter how dreamy the partner may be.

2. Learn to trust yourself

When you want to feel more secure, you must learn to trust yourself in the relationship. What this means is that you need to trust your feelings if the relationship seems to be at its end. Trust that you can make the right decisions in other aspects of the union as well.

Being secure in yourself helps you have a clear mind so that you can judge rightly when it’s time to make these decisions. You must never base an important situation on any insecurity you may have about yourself.  Learn to trust every logical thought you have and learn to follow through with that as well.

3. Work on your self-esteem

Always strive to improve the way you see yourself because self-esteem is the backbone of attaining your dreams and goals. Insecurities will run away when a strong self-esteem is present, and getting rid of these insecurities can save a relationship which may be suffering.

It might take a while to build your self-esteem depending on who or what damaged it in the first place, but over time it can be done. Just pace yourself, carve out some alone time, and get to know who you are. You will find that you are a pretty good person after all.

4. Learn your value

It’s so easy to see value in others, especially physical attributes. But never forget all the talents and gifts that you bring to the table. Where you might fall short of having nice soft manageable hair, you could have amazing culinary skills or artistic abilities.

Maybe you hate being short when other people are tall, but think about your beautiful eye color. Do you see what I mean? Every one of us has good qualities, and this is what we should be showcasing instead of stressing over things we cannot change. Learn all your good qualities and let them help you strengthen your value.

Cause of these insecurities

Now that you can learn how to stop being insecure in a relationship, you will also want to understand what causes these problems. There are a few things that make you feel insecure about yourself and it might surprise you.

1. Social anxiety

Okay, I have this one and I hate it. It’s a full-time job just keeping my insecurities in check, but I have to. I find myself rating people that I meet on the risk they pose to my well-being or mental health. At the same time, I worry that they are secretly judging me.



If you want to learn how to stop being insecure in a relationship, you have to face the truth of social anxiety. I know that all of my anxieties came from bullying and ostracizing in middle and high school. I even remember horrific experiences as far back as early grade school.

Now, whenever going to any social function, I cringe. I tell myself and others that I am not insecure, but really, I guess I am. Social anxiety can make it excruciatingly hard to overcome insecurities, but with time, even this can be conquered.

2. Recent rejections

Oftentimes our recent setbacks will damage our self-esteem. For instance, if we lose a job, we will also start thinking about times when we felt rejection and these feelings will double. A recent rejection actually triggers past negative feelings in this way more often than not.

So, in order to understand insecurities, we must understand how to break this pattern and grow stronger. Recognizing this cause of insecurity helps us recognize the falsities and helps us choose a different path of reaction to a bad situation.

3. Basic fears

Sometimes it’s hard to pinpoint the exact cause of an insecurity. However, some things like fear of intimacy or lack of performance can cause you to become afraid of your abilities as a partner in a relationship. This fear can grow so strong that you will become insecure.

This insecurity, in turn, can cause you to be jealous, angry, or bitter when things don’t go as perfectly as you think they should. There are all sorts of basic fears and they primarily work in the same way. When left unchecked, they can end a relationship fast.



4. Repression

Yes, being a good person with good morals and standards is a good thing. On the other hand, being too repressed can be negative as well. When you try to repress the undesirable traits of yourself or another, you can cause insecurities to spring up.

The better thing to do is pick and choose behaviors to moderate, letting some things slide in favor of attaining a bit of who you really are.

Repression is like a tightly closed container filled to the brim with water. It’s tight, closed off and in danger of eruption. This is also true with repression. Too much can cause someone to mentally break. In the meantime, it just causes a huge amount of insecurity.

5. Past trauma

Insecurities also come from past traumas and hurt. If something terrible happened to you as a child, the feelings, which come from the aftermath, sometimes linger throughout your life.

As an adult, everything you do will be dependent on how you were raised, whether you were abused or if you were rejected by those who were supposed to love and care for you. You can imagine how negative circumstances like this would frame your life.

Losing insecurities could be the answer to true freedom

Learning how to stop being insecure in a relationship is no easy task, especially if your insecurities have come from a number of sources. Regardless, if we want to have a fulfilled life full of promise and love, we must find a way to put these insecurities to rest.

If you’re struggling in your present relationship, I urge you to learn to let go. Sometimes just letting go of things you cannot change will start the process. I am right here with you, learning and healing at the same time.

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By Sherrie H.

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