Does your partner’s avoidant attachment style rattle your nerves?
It’s frustrating when someone is unresponsive to your attempts at bonding or kindness. You may suspect that your significant other has an avoidant attachment style but aren’t sure. Here are the signs that he or she does and how to deal with them.
Avoidant Attachment sounds like an oxymoron, but we should understand the words in the literal sense. They mean, as suggested, to avoid becoming attached emotionally.
People with Avoidant Attachment styles struggle with intimacy issues. They may create situations that destroy their relationships, albeit unconsciously. They will also pull away from their loved ones when they sense too much closeness.
People who have such emotional styles tend to disregard the feelings of others. They also forget their own. They often see expressing emotions as a weakness. It goes without saying that they don’t handle negative situations like awkwardness and failure well.
People who have an avoidant attachment approach to relationships are either fearful of intimacy or dismissive of their partners’ feelings.
Those who are Dismissive-Avoidant tend to distance themselves emotionally from their partners. They brush feelings aside and devalue human connections.
People with Fearful-Avoidant Attachment patterns are ambivalent and afraid of commitment. They strike a balance in relationships in an attempt to avoid being too close or distant. They want to have their emotional needs met, but fear being too close.
Fearful-Avoidants try to rein in their feelings, but can’t. Consequently, they feel overwhelmed by their worries and have emotional storms. Their moods are unpredictable. As a result, they have relationships with many highs and lows.
Then, there are the Anxious-Preoccupied Avoidants. A person who has this type of attachment style is preoccupied with his or her relationships. He or she reads too much into social interactions and is over-sensitive. He or she tends to choose a Dismissive Avoidant partner. Of course, the combination is volatile.
If your partner uses an avoidant attachment style to relate to you, you may recognize these behavioral patterns.
First of all, Avoidants cherish their space. To protect it, they enforce boundaries between themselves and their significant others. These are either physical or emotional; they may sleep in separate rooms or hide information from their partners.
Avoidants don’t disclose their deepest feelings to their significant others because they have a strong sense of emotional independence. Also, it would bring them closer to their partners, which they want to avoid.
Avoidants prefer casual to intimate relationships because they want to avoid closeness. They don’t wish to worry about their partner’s feelings after intercourse.
Avoidants treat their significant others like business partners because they feel solely responsible for their well-being. Therefore, they seldom discuss emotions. They often describe their partners as ‘needy‘.
Avoidants need love like everyone else, so they will miss their partners when they are not around. Once their partners return, they feel ‘trapped’ and hanker after space again.
Shunning intimacy is another trait of Avoidants. They are loving and supportive viz other aspects of the relationship (e.g., finance, health) but pull away at any sign of closeness.
Furthermore, Avoidants dwell on past relationships to give themselves excuses not to deal with current ones. They may also fantasize about perfect relationships so that they’ll have reasons to feel that their present partners aren’t right for them.
Moreover, avoidants tend to send mixed messages to their partners. They’ll want to move in with them one day and ignore them the next. The mixed signals leave their partners in a tailspin.
Consequently, Avoidant partners cherish independence. They are firmly self-reliant and condescend to those who need others. Conversely, those who are secure realize the need for both freedom and partnership.
Finally, Avoidants are reluctant to discuss marriage because it entails commitment. They see it as a huge infringement on their space.
An avoidant attachment style of managing relationships has subtle but harmful effects.
Fearful Avoidants will struggle to remain close to their partners. They will obsess over their partners not loving them and have mood swings. Of course, this puts a strain on their romantic relationships.
Anxious-Preoccupied Avoidants create endless cycles of self-fulfilling prophecies. They avoid intimacy with their partners but will say ‘I knew it! You don’t love me!’ when their significant others pull away. You can see the irony in these situations; the constant strain ends the relationship.
Dismissive Avoidants know that they have difficulty expressing feelings and seek vulnerable, open partners to fill the gap. However, they can’t reciprocate their partners’ openness. Consequently, their romances suffer.
Ms. Genevieve Beaulieu Pelletier, who studied these personalities, found that Avoidants were most likely to cheat on their partners. Most of them cited fear of commitment and a desire for personal boundaries.
There’s good news for you if you have an avoidant partner. It’s not impossible to stay connected. Here’s what you can do.
First of all, Avoidants may have experienced bad relationships, so they have trust issues. Don’t press your partner to express feelings; trust him or her to know when, and what to share.
Also, show your Avoidant partner that you are dependable. Do this in small steps. When your partner can see that you are reliable, he or she will entrust you with more important information.
Finally, don’t take it personally if your partner needs space. Most of us want to know what’s on our partners’ minds. Avoidants, however, will only share this information when they are ready. They will withdraw when pushed.
Don’t fear if your partner has an avoidant attachment style. You can still stay close to him or her if you put in the effort into your relationship.
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I would surely like to be dependable for my avoidant partner so he can feel safe and secure and open up. My problem is that he is incapable of giving me the same in return for being unreliable, often emotionally unavailable and leaves me to fend for myself.
Where does that leave me in the relationship?
Hi Cat!
I am dealing with a 2-year break up myself with a dismissive avoidant person. I myself am an anxious attached person. When I discovered our attachment style suddenly everything began to make sense. What I have learned is that dismissive people are a lot like battered shelter animals. They aren't trusting at first and if you try to approach them, however your intentions may be good, they are still wary of your presents. Don't take it personal. Their brain is wired to be in survival mode by brushing off any chance of rejection be it imagined or real. Take heart. If you truly love this person you are willing to make the changes needed. Anxious people are more than likely first to make any changes before their dismissive partner will. Let him come to you and be patient be patient be patient. Best of luck to you.
Far better that EVERYone avoid all avoidants completely. They want space? Let 'em have it.
Better yet: pass a law that anyone diagnosed as an avoidant is no longer allowed to lovebomb anyone into a relationship, no longer allowed to enter in to an intimate relationship whatsoever, and put teeth into the law so that there are serious penalties for these lovebombing frauds if they ever break the law. THAT will fix these fraudulent people and their duplicitous bugaboo paranoia of intimacy.
Agreed! Why waste your time with these hopeless ppl...life is short go find someone better! I am speaking from experience
You made my day with this comment. So true. Great solutions!
Jim,
(lovebombing frauds and their duplicitous bugaboo paranoia of intimacy.) Thank you for a good laugh, I understand you totally.
Totally agree!
Big Jim,
I totally get what you're saying. I'm definitely the anxious style, partner of 16 yrs is avoidant. The piece that gets missed is that they can no more change their own wiring any more than other types can. But with awareness and understanding of the "why" of it all by at least one party, and actual change of responses by the informed party actually force a change in the other. It comes down to what a person can or cannot live with. Not easy, for sure...but never boring, and that kind of work and self-challenge isn't for everyone. At the end of the day, these folks still need love. It takes extraordinary selflessness to deal with the emotional highs and lows. All of us need to be allowed to be who we are. It's very sad, actually, because many of these people are intensely lonely. Their mask of not needing anyone couldn't be further from the truth. The partner who understands this knows (without the words) that this person suffers deeply and lives in the constant turmoil of not having the natural ability or belief that they can make us happy...and feel they've done everything possible. They truly believe that. And if we truly love them, we can see how much they actually have done. We have to appreciate and respect them, even when we feel disrespected, rejected, and hurt. But those feelings must be processed with the acute awareness of our own insecurities. There are easier and more joyous ways to live, but commitment cannot be any more tested than being in a relationship with this kind of person. The joy comes from learning just what and how much we're capable of, how loving, patient, and kind we really are, and knowing that from within because the words appreciating those great strengths are very few and far between, if at all. But somewhere deep inside, they know they need us, never admitting it. Ironically, I believe they are the neediest of all.
That's beautiful. Thank you.
Thankyou for sharing your open hearted and understanding attitudes. I am a textbook avoidant. I don't love bomb. I try to connect with partners, but feel a strong need and desire to be independent, and I need to exert lots of energy to resist my nature of keeping my partners at arm's length. I know it is destructive. I know it is incredibly emotionally challenging for the people close to me. I would like to add that there is no avoidant personality, there is no type of person who is avoidant. Ie you can be sensitive and caring and still be avoidant and have a natural instinct to keep your partner at a 'safe' distance. I am learning about myself and trying to find ways of working around my avoidant wiring so that my new relationship doesn't fail. It makes me really sad to read posts which stereotype avoidants as 'emotional write-offs' or Playboy's. People with avoidant attachment styles are big part of the population (25%i think I read), that means about a quarter of the people you know are avoidant. But you would probably never know unless you were in a close relationship with them. They aren't bad guys. Just wired in a way which is very challenging for themselves and their partners.
Oh, that was so eloquently written it brought me to tears! Thank you ever so much for sharing not only this article, author), but your touching response, Finally Unconfused! My sentiments exactly but until I was recently informed about it, and read on it tonight, I had never heard of it and didn’t understand what was going on. Going forward, I will have even more empathy than I had before as I never loved as I’ve loved this time.
That is a wonderful open hearted response and found it inspirational. Thank you.
I'm in tears.. this is perfect. Thank you.. because now that I know what I'm in for, I know I can love her. You've made me so happy tonight,
Wow! This is an amazing and inspiring comment to read. Thank you so much! Any tips on how to get through the first few years with an avoidant threatening to leave the relationship often (avoidant always changes mind after clarity)?
I say if these people can't step up after a period, then the heck with them! I should give them the time, energy and reassurance every person in a relationship needs, while they leave me out flapping in the wind?? There are over 300 million people in the U.S. and about half are women. If they can't up step up, then get the hell out of the line so the other 150 million women step forward and stop jerking me around!!
This is a very tricky situation. On the one hand, you want to understand and give to the person you love what they need, in order for them to heal--this is the loving thing to do. But on the other hand, we must demonstrate self-care and self-love to ourselves, lest we find ourselves in abusive, or unsatisfying relationships at best, over and over again.
I say the answer to this is that if the avoidant person wishes to seek therapy for themselves, whether that means attending couples counselling or individual counselling, then maybe you've got a chance. And even then, they will have to dedicate themselves to doing the work necessary in order to change their attachment style. If this is a possibility, then I say take the chance. Without this piece in place, I would not spend my time in a relationship with an avoidant partner. The rewards are just too little, and the highs and lows, the inconsistency and instability will make you sad. And that's just not good enough. Cheers.