Why are people sabotaging relationships so often?
For the commitment-phobic, managing a relationship can seem like climbing Mount Everest. Without a doubt, it can be difficult to navigate.
If you find yourself sabotaging relationships endlessly, it may be time to take a step back and take stock of what you may be doing to contribute to the constant quarrels. You will avoid spoiling a solid relationship.
Why People Ruin Relationships
You are an attractive person who does not seem to have any difficulty forming friendships with members of the opposite sex. You tell all your other halves, unfailingly, that you have to sever ties. The cycle of love and hurt seems unending, and you do not understand why you always crush yourself and others.
Firstly, your self-awareness may be limited. You may be engaging in damaging behaviors without realizing it. You find yourself in situations that you know will compromise your relationship in some way, yet do not stop them until it is too late. You may do negative things that make no sense and drain you of your energy. This cycle of negativity is unending because these self-destructive behaviors are your coping mechanisms.
Then, you may have a fear of abandonment. Feeling attached to someone may not make you feel comfortable because you fear that you will lose the person. You hence try to micro-manage the relationship, becoming too possessive.
Your childhood may have been tumultuous. You take chaos as a norm and expect your relationship to be the same. You then introduce anarchy into your relationship because it feels comfortable, at least subconsciously.
Feelings of low self-worth may harm your relationship. You take on bad behaviors because you feel that you do not feel deserving of a stable partner.
10 Ways People Are Sabotaging Relationships
The reasons a healthy relationship may sour are endless, but the lack of awareness is, is by far, the strongest of them. You may be sabotaging relationships, without realizing it.
1. Negative interpretations
Low self-esteem may cause you to interpret what your partner says negatively. If, for instance, your partner says that you look “healthy” your low self-confidence may make you think that it is a hint about your weight gain. Realize that you do not need the approval of anyone.
2. Defensive Arguments
Your partner may sometimes mention that your cooking has burned or that you are driving too fast. It is tempting to respond to these comments defensively, with words like “You are never satisfied!” Respond with “I’m sorry about that. Let me make you another set of friend eggs,” or “Ok, I’ll slow down.”
3. Shifting Blame for Feelings
Using your partner as a punching bag and taking your frustration out on him is common. You may use words like “You are so insensitive” when he may not be aware that you had a rough day. Take responsibility for your feelings, by stating how his actions affected you, and acknowledge that your behavior may have come about because of your negativity as well.
4. Excessive Togetherness
You may find yourself dragging your heels to a hike because your partner likes it, while he may grudgingly visit your friends. You think that everyone must see you as a couple. The truth is that everyone needs space. Remember that your identity extends beyond “half of a pair.”
5. Being Lazy
Laziness, in this context, is the direct opposite of too much togetherness. You may find yourself refusing to have a date night because you are too tired after work, or refusing to go to a friend’s party over the weekend because it is the only time you have to relax. The problem with this is that you are not putting effort into nurturing the relationship. Remember that you are a team that must make decisions together.
6. No Ground Rules for Finances
Many couples feel that they should be flexible with their finances since you are part of a team. You may feel that it is alright to let your partner pay the bills, just for this month, since you have a brand new IPAD. The lack of financial ground rules may lead to misunderstandings.
7. Being closed to new experiences
This scenario is all too common. “Let’s eat at that new Mexican restaurant for a change.” “But, baby, I hate Mexican food. Let’s go to George’s Grill like we always do.” “But I wanted to give it a try….”
Being closed to new experiences is another way of sabotaging relationships; it can quickly sink into mundanity, and your partner may feel that he cannot grow with you. Remember that doing what your partner likes, at least sometimes, shows your respect for him.
8. Using Deception
Do you say “I love you” to your partner, but behave like you do not want to spend any time with him because you need to spend time with your friends? Mixed messages like these can make your partner feel devalued and unwanted. They lead to misunderstandings; openness and honesty are in order.
9. Overstepping Boundaries
Many couples believe in a shared identity and overstep boundaries. You may say “Wa cannot make it to that party” when your partner wants to go. This behavior may seem intrusive or controlling.
10. Being Manipulative
Your need for pride and self-protection may make you use manipulative behaviors, such as crying or losing your temper, to get what you want. It is important to ask, nicely for what you need from your partner instead.
You may be spoiling your relationship without realizing it, for various reasons. Being aware of these behaviors does a lot to set it on the right track.
By Michelle L.